Silky

2011-07-07T23:13:00.005+08:00

You know, I've heard it the other day.

But my expression never changed. I just stared, like a stony gargoyle.

Maybe I hadnt understood. Or perhaps I'd thrown on a mask, a facade to conceal the pain too real to validate by speech.

Because there are simply too much to hide, I've long learnt to disconnect myself with the emtional being. Locked and only freed when drunk.

Extreme rationality best deals with pain, they said. Because in all laws of rationality, we go with the most logical perception. And being logical excludes all emotions.

Ideas comes easily to me, enacting them comes harder. I usually let them go. Perhaps its an escape hatch, my way of allowing myself to ease out at the side doors on my schemes.

I did not turn my back on conscience and principles to fall in love. But I wasnt able to accept that I cant live without you. I wasnt able to forgo my pride and be despicable enough to scheme. Even so, I did not even have the courage to leave.

I thought about everything but did nothing.

Sometimes I felt so trapped, other times I felt lonely, especially when there is no work to distract me.

雨伞

2011-01-04T06:08:00.005+08:00

如果你是一把雨伞，你会希望自己是把瘦长，雪白的雨伞，还是一把善解人意及使用的折伞呢？

曾经有位作家运用这样的形容方式来形容两种不一样的女人。她说，瘦长雪白的伞，就像鹤立鸡群的美女，艳压全场。虽然雪白可爱受人欢迎，但它却偏偏不耐看。用久之后，经过风吹雨打，颜色从白变黄，像有了皱纹和雀斑似的。哪里比得上折伞的善解人意啊?

于是，她便动手制招各种机会，左摆右搁，费劲心思想让它静静地消失。以为可以处理到大家不伤感情，无痛分手。但是，夕日的心头号，怎么可能无痛呢？

失宠的人最敏感，伞也有自尊。有一天，它竟然突如奇来的消失，完全不费她一点心思。

问题是，等一等；她还没做好心理准备。它怎么能没经过她的同意就玩失踪呢? 于是，作者便花劲心思想把它找回来。

书店，巴士站，餐厅。。。到地在哪儿呢？

结果，真是峰回路转，她竟然在电影院把它找回，大团员结局。小别新欢，它在那里苦着副嘴脸，等着她良心发现。

仔细想想，其实不关是花容月貌还是其貌不扬的女人，恋爱时，大家都是平等的。就算结果不理想, 对方出轨，只要真心付出，问心无愧，下一次一定能理直气壮地再恋爱。你说对不对？

永远

2011-01-01T00:52:00.002+08:00

你会是个怎么样的女人?

你是否渐渐已经没有向对方要求永远的勇气?

也许，大家都会觉得你是个聪明以级实际的女人。因为你从不奢望永恒，和你在一起的男人也会觉得自由，舒服，没有负担。

就连自己有时候也会被群众影响，也误以为自己有多神圣。

但是男人啊，他们永远都看不懂。嗨。。又是另一个"永远"，这两个字有多可恶啊。

其实，事实是，你早已没有勇气要求。因为你害怕。

不管是害怕他信口开河得随口答应，还是害怕他坦然的告诉你永远有多么的不切实际，你就是害怕。而并不是大家或自己偶尔认为的聪明和理智。

害怕的是那种失望后的失落。那种感觉，就好像沙漏里的沙。充满希望的你，仿佛就像存满沙子的那一端。当希望破灭失落的时候，沙漏倒转，存满的沙子慢慢的流失，直到失落的感觉慢慢把你陶空为止。

如果，你不是以上讨论的女人，那么恭喜你。你也许是个勇敢但却带一点笨拙的女人。你是否很幸福呢? 是否已经有人答应给你永远了呢?

2010-07-05T23:32:00.006+08:00

I read a chinese love novel a few days ago, during a night shift.

However touched I was, the story was rather absurd to me.

The writer seems to left out a lot of details. Like how they fall in love, why did they felt certain feelings and what were they thinking each time when they decided to leave.

Instead, the writer just merely illustrate how they left and came back to each other everytime.

I recalled, lamenting once to you on how these novels bewildered me. I remembered, too, when you laughed and explicate that I was not matured enough to read in between the lines, and that I was insecured by nature, subconciously only willing to comprehend formulated facts.

Though perplexed, I find myself tearing involuntarily at the end of the story this time, ironically, when the man died.

I dont know what stirred me.

Maybe the words used were too beautiful, in a sad way. Maybe I have become matured, and understood a little after all.

Or maybe, it is just simply because you were not there to listen this time, or ever again.

2010-06-14T00:40:00.003+08:00

The Beautiful Distance

I walked passed a book store a few days ago, while I was wandering aimlessly in a mall.

This book at the window of the store instantly caught my attention; Chemistry – Theory of Electron Distributions.

Instinctly, I recalled one of the Chemistry lessons about Electrons I enjoyed so much back then.

Electrons all have a defined area where they will reside in. This vicinity is known as density clouds. As electrons often exist in pairs, clouds belonging to the pair will be overlapped. The reason why electrons often exist in this manner is because of the two distinctive forces between them - attraction and repulsion.

Electrons are attractive to each other due to the presence of gravitational force on earth. They are, at the same time, repulsive to each other because there are electro-negativity forces as all electrons are negatively charged. Thus, the net value of these opposing forces, if you can imagine, illustrates the area of the overlapped clouds and hence determines the distance between both electrons.

These pairs of electrons orbit around the atoms in a sterically structured manner such that the repulsion forces are minimized. Atoms then come together to form every single matter and life on earth like you and me.

Electrons are funny stuff. The distinctive distance that exists between them can be no lesser or more than what the net charge of the two forces insist.

If you have not died of boredom and are still following – It soon occurs to me that this repulsion theory applies in life as well.

When two people come together and interact, there has to be too, a distinctive distance. No doubt that there are some things they have to share, just like how clouds of electrons have to overlap, it is however not positive to be too close, because that would make either party be repulsive towards the other.

But of course, it is not healthy to be too far away either because you might lose the attraction. In other words, you've got to watch the distance.

Same goes to the things that people want to achieve. Sometimes, it seems like the harder you try to chase after, the further it seemed to become. People often forget the repulsive forces that exist.

If people can remember to let go and allow things to work spontaneously, forces of attraction, if there is any, would resume and things might work out just fine. And if they don’t, perhaps it is just not meant to be. Anymore going after would hence be futile.

I guess, its time to let go.

So, have you checked your distances today?

p.s. Tell me how to not be fascinated with Chemistry.

2010-06-07T01:46:00.005+08:00

I hate myself.

I hate myself for being decieved that easily. I hate myself for being so simple minded. I hate myself for not being despicable enough to fool around with the affairs of heart. I hate myself for being so true each time. I hate myself for turning back.

Even the lamp on my desk is flickering. As though, it detested me too and wanted so much to leave as well.

Have you ever thought that you meant the world to someone and then end up realising that you actually are not?

If you had, you would be able to imagine how this is tearing me apart right now.

I went home that evening, after such a horrible day, to join my folks and the relatives for dinner. The moment I stepped into the kitchen, my mum starts to pester me to sample all her dishes. Usually, I would find this absolutely irritating and awkard. I often brush her aside.

But that day, I find her particularly heart warming and comfortable. I don't know why I felt this way. Probably because I finally found someone who felt that I meant the world to them.

For the first time, I tried all her dishes. And I told her all was good.

I guessed she sensed that there was something was not right. She asked me what's wrong.

I broke down immediately.

I cant even remember when was the last time I cried so hard in front of her. I never like to do that because we were never close enough for me to not feel awkard to do this in front of her. We were never close enough for me to show her my weakness.

I guess I was really upset.

2010-04-11T00:44:00.004+08:00

And the dinner ended, in a peculiar way.

Not that it had begun in the usual comfortable manner though.

It began with a handshake, an introduction and stumbling through the bustling streets of Little India.

I could never get accustom to having dinner uncomfortably with strangers, especially with someone who is of this superiority. I always thought that a dinner should be a relaxed and an enjoyable process, not which one should constantly restraint thoughts and body languages so that the other parties on the table would be pleased.

In another words, I hate socializing, at least not over dinner.

But when he starts to talk, it feels kind of different from what I have expected, the usual solemn and awkward silence. He's a natural speaker, fun-loving and adventurous. His experiences are entertaining and he leads excellently. He deemed every intangible asset as Energy. He believes in making every moment memorable. He is lively, so much so I thought he is going to dance to some Indian music the next minute after dinner.

Really, it has been quite a while since I have last come across someone who lives in such a dynamic manner.

But what really makes me feel like writing tonight is, the one question he asked.

The question that I have been pondering for quite a while since graduation. Something which my parents have never bothered to ask me. It is also the reason why I stopped studying altogether and so often sought solace in drinking after graduation because I simply could not figure out.

He asked, if I have thought of whom I want to become. I replied, not yet.

He looks as if he was expecting something much more. I repeated, this time emphasizing, not yet.

It seems like he've gotten my drift. That I meant I needed time.

I wondered what triggered him to ask. Because I looked amateur? Or probably because I look as if my life is a complete fiasco, even before it has even really begun.

Actually, I was taken aback by the sudden probe. Coming from him, it sounds so simple and absolute. And I almost wanted to blurt out, except that KC was there, it feels kinda weird.

To be honest, I have never thought that I would end up here. I always thought that I would venture into something that means a lot to me, a job that would keep me going not because of the money but the meaning behind it. Something that could make me feel so overwhelmed with passion and that I could simply indulge in the whole affair.

Not that I am unhappy about my current situation, do not misunderstand me. Of course, I'd have my fair share of difficulties but still, I am happy with the people I am working with and I am able to keep myself pretty much alive without any worries.

But then, my definition of a job is that it is suppose to follow you for a lifetime and it should be much more. Something is lacking now, and with my limited vocabulary, I can't seem to point out the exact missing puzzle.

There are just so many things in life I do not understand and everyone seemed too busy to be bothered with.

I could take in concrete facts easily; comprehend any system, principle or theory without much difficulty because they are logical and predictable. But not nonchalance and intangible stuff like relationships; love.

Maybe I should start to accept that not every phenomenon has a rationale or theory behind it and that some things just happen spontaneously.

It’s not like I will be able to fall asleep better if someone walks over and tell me it’s okay, that these are part of growing up.

But still, it would be really sweet if that happens.

Good Night.

2010-03-27T23:21:00.007+08:00

I went for a swim today. And then I went to run, and then to swim again. After so much, I believe I would be rational enough.

Enough; to give an account to people who cared and loved me. I should apologise too, for the recent bizarre behaviour.

You ought to know as well.

I thought I finally met someone. I thought confidently, that we would work out. And even after realising that there was someone else, I still thought that you would choose me over her. Oh how confident I was.

You asked me what is our problem. The problem is you don't see what is the crux of the problem. You think its fine if for things to be this way. That I ought to hide myself when she is avaliable, and appear when she's not.

Sometimes I wonder, would I not feel this awful if I am willing to condone your behaviour, to let you have your way.

But I know this is not right. I am not sure though, if its worth it to feel so hurt just to make the right decision.

At the end of the day, even if I am all torn up and wrecked, I am glad I followed the dictates of my conscience. And I guess, perhaps this is all that matters.

Thats why, I left.

2009-10-29T22:31:00.002+08:00

I once read that there was a girl who punched into the mirror so hard that her fist wouldn't stop bleeding. She told everyone that she did this because she wanted to see what's behind the mirror. But the truth is, she couldnt bear to see her own reflection and feel the disfamiliarity tearing her up. She wanted to punch the mirror so hard that the mirror broke into pieces and she could use them to cut herself.

She wanted to feel pain so that whatever she is feeling inside would be justified.

Words are like net trying to capture feelings, they can only express this much. So what about those that are left behind?

I need some distraction.

Badly.

Help.

2009-05-04T20:55:00.011+08:00

Procrastination is the thief of time.

How very true.

But I guess "Procrastination is the keeper of fats" sounds more appropriate for me.

I always have excuses to not go swimming after work. It is too late. There would be hundred and one hormone over-flowing jerks around at this time. That fellow who offers to teach me swim when he looks like a silly starfish himself when trying to swim in frog style will be there. I'll go the next week when I get to knock off at 430. I'll go if the next person that enters the train is a guy with red hair. I'll go if the clouds on the left corner of my eye start to shape like stars.

And so, with all the above, it wasn't long before the fats at the adipose tissues in both my arms overflowed. Having no intention to disgust the next guy who tries to check me out with my elephant-trunk-like arms, I was determine to go for a swim today.

And I have yet to complain about that God forsaken pair of thighs that I have. He must have forsaken them, if not, why aren't their circumference decreasing???

It has been quite sometime since I have last swam. Just barely after 2 laps, I could feel my heart slamming vigorously on my ribcage, like as if I was on my first date.

If you have ever been to a public pool, you'd realised that there is a traffic flow in the entire pool. (I guess I had too much of LTA recently.)

Anyway, there would definitely be a two-way traffic established in the pool, horizontally, if you could imagine. Everyone, including me was abiding by this traffic; except for this one guy with long oily hair wearing poke dots swimming trunks. Instead of going with the flow, he swam vertically across the pool, knocking into and irritating every single person he come across that was swimming with the normal flow.

If you can imagine how irritating that was, you'd have started cursing already. The thing is you cant really talk without having the water gushing into your mouth while swimming. Hence, the only thing that us, the irritated people, could do was to swear and curse silently.

I have always admire daring individuals who stand out of the crowd and be true to themselves. But hey, not that literally alright?

And when he is swimming across vertically, the outline of his body across the pool is much visible to everyone who was swimming the other way. I bet he didn't realised that his tummy appears to be so swollen, so much so that I think there is enough room for a two cats.

As Mr Poke Dot knock into that hot guy on my left lane for the 5th time, I think, he had enough. I could tell he was so ready to shoot him with a bazooka even when his goggles covered half of his face. And so, when he was forcefully stopped to let Mr Poke Dots pass by, he pointed his middle finger at him.

It was as if he expressed what somewhat 15 people in the pool has been suppressing within them for the pass 30 minutes. For a moment, I thought I heard everyone scream in unison "yeah, that's the way". I had the urge to give him a high five for that.

And after all the hoo-haa, guess what?

Mr Poke Dots continues his next lap without changing his direction.

And if Mr Poke Dots think he is so cool because he kind of went against the whole world, really, somebody ought to tell him that he should at least slim down that tummy before doing this.

Let the poor cats out first please.

2009-04-30T00:25:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I wondered if my mother has pictured how I'd be like when I grew up. Has she ever looked at my minuscule fingers, feeling the firm grip on her index finger when I was a baby and wondered how would be it be like for me to hold her with my long, slender and butterfly like fingers when I grew up?

Truth is, I never held her.

We were never close enough to not feel awkward about holding each other.

Was she disappointed? I never found out.

It seems like the more I tried to make her feel proud of me, the more disappointment I caused. Was she the one who does not understand me? Or was I the one not understanding her? I've never find that out either.

You could never get over disappointment, nor you could over anger. You thought you'd forgive and go on. But truth is, most of the time, you've never really moved on. Anger and disappointment lie low - like a cobra, waiting to attack at any moment when you least expect of it.

I am a G6PD deficient. When I was a newborn, I have to be kept in a transparent cube with ventilators and lights shone on me. Everyday, my mother said, she would visit and look through the glass panel, wondering when will I grew out of it.

I wonder if my mother, too, had felt like Pandora, after she bought me home from that cube, wished that she have first scrutinized the contents - heartache, cleverly disguised as a gift.

Onions.

2009-03-27T23:54:00.007+08:00

After living for almost 1/4 of your life, (let's just pretend we are all going live till 100) you would probably have tons of people whom you can call friends.

Then, usually you'd group them subconsciously according to the place or time you've met them.

So there would be the first group of people you first make friends with when you were really young. Because everyone was naive, simple and fresh, the relationships were straight forward and honest. Everyone have yet to learn how to protect themselves.

Eventually when you matured a little, learned a few lessons and experienced bad relationships, you feel insecure and vulnerable. You then learn to protect yourself from the next group of new friends by hiding who you really are or spending half your time pretending who you are really not.

And when things gets worst, you armed yourself and hide away more when you get to know the subsequent new groups of friends.

Then sometimes, late in the night, when you have too much caffeine exciting your brain cells, you'd do a little bit of reflection. In order to really see your own reflection, the armors worn have to be put down. Layer by layer, you begin to take them down just like layers of onions being peeled from the outside until only the core is left.

You'd be taken aback by your reflection. Or sometimes, you are not even sure if that layer belongs to you or was it just something that you put on to feel protected. You decide to look away and thought that everything will be alright.

But deep down, you know that have lost yourself. You feel empty, helpless and so foolish.

Just exactly like how I'm feeling now.

2009-03-19T21:48:00.009+08:00

FIRST TIME EXPERIENCE - Shopping alone.

Mr J realized that his friend was in some sort of trouble after he met me for like 10 minutes, I end up shopping alone because I had to get some office wear before going to work the next day.

MR J, YOU OWE ME ONE.

So anyway, I went to Mango, my all time favorite shop. Know what's the best thing? Their clothes made you look half your size.

My clothes.

First Try.

Second Try.

Third Try.

Everything was so nice. Mango clothes are rather expensive but they do worth the price because their cuttings can do miracle - bringing out curves.

*I apologize for all the similar pose with my head down because I have to make sure all the images are captured properly.

After mango, I begin to walk around and continue to shop at other places.

Then suddenly, just when I thought that the butterflies on the necklaces at DIVA flapped their wings, LKX called.

LKX told me she was at Paya Lebar and Michelle is heading to her place afterwards. She asked me to join them. I was elated because like finally I get to meet somebody. I am really not use to shopping alone yet, I think.

So, I rushed down to SingPOST, asked her to wait for a while I get something from one of the shop there, and guess what she did?

LKX:
Eh, I am so tired after the overnight mahjong and morning shift today. I am going home now. Next time then meet lar. Bye.

Me:
......................................................

Can you imagine being put aeroplane for TWICE in a row.

Like already Singapore does not have much land, still want to fly aeroplanes. Someone should just fine them.

HAVE THEIR AIRPLANES TOWEDDdddddd please. Towed and SOLD SO THEY CAN NEVER PUT THEM AGAIN.

Argh.

2009-03-17T13:07:00.002+08:00

Love don't walk away, people do.

2009-03-13T11:51:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when people are arguing, they are eager to win so that they can prove their stand.

And so, they thought by coming out with the most hurtful words to hurt each other, they'd win.

But little did they know, if you do the sums properly, nobody ever wins in an argument.

In one way or another, everyone lost something.

I am sorry.

2008-08-26T10:41:00.002+08:00

Now they should understand why I dislike mahgret phang. (I still duno how to spell her name.)

Should I be disapponted?

2008-08-17T22:26:00.003+08:00

Finally at the end of the week, there's time to blog out my first entry.

Its been such a long time ever since I pick up the habit to blog. Looking at this blog entry page makes me feel like I'm meeting an old friend. And it is perhaps these sense of familiarity makes me feel comfortable in expressing myself.

Its a pity though, as these familiarity can no longer be found anywhere else.

* * * *

Its been a hectic week. Bought a new phone. Oh, and before I start, I want to thank that stunning woman on the left. Without her, my blog is still in a mess.

last day in school

Skipped school because magret pang's (i duno how to spell her name) face is not pleasing. Went shopping with my lovely girlfriend.

END OF YEAR 3 SEMESTER 1.

I am so glad I skipped that lesson.

2007-07-10T22:27:00.000+08:00

Going by Le Châtelier's principle, in order to reduce the stress applied after the traumatizing UT, we should always indulge in good food to shift ourselves back to the state of equilibrium.

heck me people, i had too much chemistry.

tell me how not to get fat.

shirr:

tell me, who's spoonge box's best friend?

me: (confidently)

square pants

shirr:

wa lao. arbo spoonge box square pants is the same person laaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

me:

oh, really? hahahahhaha.

shirr:

*vomits blood. -_-'''

i know she will always love me. =]]

2007-07-09T20:25:00.000+08:00

to you know who:

when i lie, you said that i am not being honest.

when i'am honest, you said i didnt make an effort to lie and that i did not bother about your feelings.

eh like that, you win liao loh.

2007-07-02T22:05:00.000+08:00

why does every quarrel have to be that hurtful?

fuck.

i hate it when i feel like crying.

when can i just stop deceiving myself.

blasting music does not chase away unhappiness at all. not even a single bit.

i am just running away. slow, loping run, limping run.

i am tired of pretending that everything is alright after blasting music in my room.

i had enough of disciplining myself after every setback, limiting myself within the timeframe of a playlist with only a few songs to stretch into my pain and luxuriate in my sadness.

My light is faulty tonight. Table lamp is flickering.

It is as if the light itself knew what a mess i've gotten into and decides to abandon me too.

it wasnt suppose to end like that. it wasnt.

2007-06-30T00:24:00.000+08:00

i am so sorry for those that i attitude-d today. i am sooooooooooooo sorry.

trust me, i cant help it.

its pretty hard to resist the temptation of swinging when i happen to walk pass the mood's swing.

i know its wrong to be short tempered and i know its wrong to show that face.

but i just couldnt stop myself.

its like wanting to destory everything i came across, tearing every paper i see and killing everyone that tries to irritate me the slightest bit. Sometimes, i really lothae myself.

I am just buay song about everything and anything. and this feeling is damn irritating.

Honestly, my day could have gotten worst.

but these people really really made me feel a lot better.

thats like my wallet.

playing hangman.

lab was fun for the first time yesterday.

azhar's trademark.

i really love them alot can.

2007-06-27T22:42:00.000+08:00

I missssssssssss my familyyyyyyyyy.

we only meet that one pathetic time at the end of each year.

and this meeting is what keeps me going throughout the year.

187 more days to the next meeting.

how come time pass so slow?

I thought they SAY TIME IS SUPPOSE TO FLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?

2007-06-24T22:50:00.000+08:00

It was kexin's birthday last week

happy birthday girl~

went to her chalet with dear wendy.

After much consideration, we decide to stay away from the bbq pit because we didnt want to melt in front of the pit. We therefore stoned at one corner, taking photos at the mean time while waiting to be served.

Met justin and gang. It has been almost a year ever since i saw them. They are still as mean as ever. Yes, they were still jerks. But we all had a great time together.

I didnt believe that justin had his driving licence until i saw his car. The way he drove sucks can. He zig-zaced across the road and tried to disturbed every taxi driver he saw.

Stupid Jason went to dsitrub the bangalas on the lorry at one of the traffic lights. I know its damn mean and I know its not right to laugh. but their question mark face is so funny can.

Wendy shouted with all her might all the way from pasir ris to hougang. With her power lungs, all our eardrums practically broke.

it was a fun night.

damn it, i missed rounding a lot more than i thought i would be.

2007-06-21T21:53:00.000+08:00

John is having his last week and we all took a group photo.

Well, he's quite a nice guy.

I remembered the first time when he facilitate our class. I found him lame and irritating.

Lame because his jokes are not really tickling. Irritating because he sometimes tried to mislead us on certain topics.

But during his absence and another facilitator took over, I kinda miss his lame jokes. I realised his intention after the facilitator spoonfed us with answers.

He wanted us to be confident in ourselves.

Many of a time, we know the answer, but we are just unconfident and hence we would hesitate to speak up and tend to rely on others for the answer.

Just look at azar and paul's face. Makes me want to roll on the floor and laugh.

ya la. the most untidied adapter wire on the table is mine la. sorry la.

p/s Its either my mailed RJ is lost in the midst of all the goodbye mails that were sent to him or i mailed the wrong facilitator because he did not copy and paste my mailed RJ on the comment. He just downgraded me and gave a B.

Which means I could have gotten an A if he saw the mail.

but considering the amount of a he used to gave me, i shall not be fussy about it.

nevertheless, i wish him all the best in his upcoming job.

2007-06-20T13:01:00.000+08:00

sometimes, its hard to pretend that you dont see.

life is a bitch.

i dun feel like swallowing my unhappiness anymore, nagging myself to be understanding and forget everything.

i deserve more.

i always believe that there is no point being angry over things or people. It dosent solve the problem, does not undo the hurt.

i use to believe too, that its no use fighting for things that dont belong to you. Only fools are greedy. Being greedy is tiring. Constantly chasing after something, constantly bending your principle to get something that you werent even sure that you want it.

sometimes, when i jump out of the picture and look at these greedy people, it makes me feel pleasantly peaceful.

Its like slacking at a little cafe, seeping my wonderful coffee, looking at people running past through the glass window, chasing after the rainbow, looking for the pot of gold at the end.

I will never join in the race. Never.

Right?

2007-06-18T01:05:00.001+08:00

its officially the end of fun time.

school is starting in 7 hours time.

rahhhhhhhh.

* * *

my dream life

ever thought of how your future might be like?

well, i always wanted to be a kindergarden teacher. in case you missed it, i wrote here once.

maybe after i had enough of studying, i should just go to some remote village and educate the children there.

And there, i shall slack during my free time and perhaps rear a few chickens and frogs behind the house.

i shall build a well too, not for me to live in, but for my frogs to view the moon at the perfect angle. yes, shirey and dollie and probably the rest, i heard your laughters.

Losing a few frogs a few days, losing a few chickens a few weeks, losing a few students a few months, tripping over the stairs, climbling out of the television and getting lost around the forest if there is one.

i heard your laughters again, shirley, especially you.

life is simply great.

maybe i would meet a kind statue, no sorry, i mean a man who bothered enough to help me find my lost kids, chickens, frogs and perhaps helpful enough to make me some signboards so that i wouldnt get lost again.

Perhaps i would be touched enough to marry him and start giving birth to kids who love to lose things as much as i do.

Critisize me for being absent minded. But without losing, how can one feel the joy of finding? Without losing, who would ever learn to cherish?

Losing, finding and found then, i lost again. Eventually, thats all my life.

how blissful.

p/s ya la i know, the above is probably not going to happen. my parents would definately murder me. even if they dont, what is going happen to my shopping bills?

p/p/s after messing up my html codes for 4 hours, i still dont know how to put songs into my template. helpppppp.

p/p/p/s I THINK I HAVE PUT ON WEIGHT. hais. which reminds me, there is no treadmill in the village. what is going to happen when i become fat???

2007-06-15T22:14:00.000+08:00

i am too tired to blog.

pictures tell the story.

* * *

birthday. birthday. happy birthday =]]

10june

cake from beloved wendy.

okay i know i just said i am lazy to talk. but there is something, I MUST SAY.

actually cake very nice. but before i came, one guy knocked wendy and send the cake flying without apologising, so become like that.

stupid. wish his birthday cake be smashed by another running passerby during his birthday.

11 june
was waiting for everyone to arrive. arcaded with melvin and shirr. damn fun.

steping spider

something i must say too:

After movie, dollie surprised me with her home-made chocolate cake.

i am so touched can.
dollie teo violet bake cake for me.
when she couldnt fry an edible egg. =x

my very beautiful dollie.

shirley liao kai lin. forever dont let me take her picture.

bullied. hahas.

necklaces from melvin and shirr.

dun ask me why got plastic bag so out of the picture.

tell me how not to love them.

2007-06-08T22:19:00.001+08:00

never ever trust your mother when she attempts to give you this to drink, claiming that it is going to make you feel better.

curse me for being ungrateful. i dun care.

because this is so bitter.

moral of the story:
mothers are the worst doctors.

2007-06-07T21:14:00.000+08:00

guys.

please do not ever ever use this line to strike a conversation with a lady.

" heaven must have lost an angel at this moment for u are by my side"

this is the worst one i have ever come across.

he looks cute. but i just wanted to be naughty.

guess what i've replied?

"the farm next door must have lost a pig at this moment for you are by my side"

2007-06-05T10:07:00.000+08:00

me:
i am not having dinner tonight. its wendy's birthday.

mummy:
oh. windy's birthday? have a great time.

me:
mum, its wendy.

mummy:
ya la. windy mah.

me:
. . .
yes mum. i am dinning with cloudy and windy tonight.

mummy:
oh. when did you know cloudy? your boyfriend?

i sweared i tried to be as patient as possible.

me:
bye mum.

2007-06-04T03:43:00.000+08:00

caffine is exciting my cells again. I just couldnt get to sleep.

dont ask me how i g0t coffee again. i just got it.

sometimes, i just cant help but to wonder how can people be so decisive in life?

there are too many decisions to be made, to many mistakes to risk, too many hearts to break.

i am not exactly old enough to give advices like 70 year old grannies.

but i sure experienced enough, in fact, more than enough, to understand that no one can be damn sure about anything in this damned world.

no one can.

how can anyone be when the world is ever changing, ever spinning?

i was once damn sure that we were best friend but still in the end, she end up with the guy that i had crush for 3 whole years.

i was once damn sure that this jerk wouldnt dump me, at least not on my birthday, but still, he left that day.

the only solace offered was that the girl he left me for was uglier, so much uglier.

fuck.

Look at all the uncertain souls around.

Yet, this girl here, unfazed by every possible heartbreaks and disappointment, told me she knew what she want. Never will she succumb to any possible temptation. Neither will she compromise her principle for anyone.

In her eyes, I somewhat saw my past. I saw the same passion I had for life a few years back. I saw the old innocent me, vulnerable to all possible hurt that others could have inflicted.

I wanted to warn but she was too headstrong to listen.

Who wouldnt be?

If someone were to warn years back, I wouldnt have listened as well. I wanted my fair share of falling and hurting, before I learn.

Be brave my friend, for life is full of surprises.

Surprises are meant to be pleasant. Unfortunately, no one has really bothered enough to comprehend that principle yet.

2007-06-03T23:08:00.000+08:00

To the best guy friend I could ever have:

please stop giving excuses.

Its either you try or you dont.

and when you try, give your best shot. Succee or fail like a man.

be proud of yourself.

stand tall, smile bright and make them wonder why.

I will never hesitate to throw my heels, yes that new pair i have bought the other day, at your ever big head if I were to find out that you did things half heartedly.

Best regards,
the best girl friend you could ever have.

2007-05-31T17:16:00.001+08:00

Coffee rocks man.

The last time I drank it, I almost memorized the whole A & P book through the night.

and in exchange, I was lectured for 7 hours on the various reasons on why I should not drink coffee. I reckoned the bottle of brazillian coffee would then be kept in boxes and put into larger boxes and after that, more larger boxes.

I am not exaggerating. Its my mother we are talking about.

never ever, underestimate her.

This time round, I sneaked in to the kitchen, attempting to secretly steal the bottle and make myself a cup of coffee.

I was half expecting my mother to be in full military fatigues and helmet standing guard with a bazooka right in front of the coffee.

However, the space was deserted.

I expect to pull out pots and pans. Open up boxes after boxes before I can find my precious coffee.

But no, no pots and pans. no boxes.

It lie right on the table. Nice and sweet.

Scanning around for the enemy, i mean my mother, I carefully made the coffee with the minimum amount of noise.

After 10 minutes, mission accomplished.

yes I know, I am in for 7 hours of lecture again.

but who cares when I got coffee already?

2007-05-30T11:16:00.000+08:00

how do you feel when you are so not appreciated?

I dont know about you guys but I feel wrecked.

I see my past laughing at me, giving them up for nothing.

do they seriously think that I gave up piano only at grade 7 just because I am willful? Just because I wanted to show them how rebeilious I am?

fuck.

i gave up 7 years of hardwork and all the sacrificed medicure sessions just because I am rebellious.

haha. laugh with me people. just laugh with me.

mark says I should show them everything.

my grades. my thoughts. myself.

but whats the point?

they dont trust me at all. they dont love me at all.

2007-05-29T21:45:00.001+08:00

OMG.

i saw him today. it wasnt exactly the first time.

but there was a high level of adrenaline rush today. I wonder why.

hell.

I should have exercise some self-control.

I seriously do not like the idea of tripping and falling right onto my face in front of him.

whatever. *off to sing to my plants.

2007-05-28T21:38:00.000+08:00

when was the last time I sang, got drunk and talked to my piano?

i want my life back.

at least during the holidays. i wan them back.

yes my friends, lets all party and have fun this holiday.

2007-05-27T20:06:00.000+08:00

I used to feel that I dislike my course.

I dont look quite my course anyway, if you understand what I mean.

Look at my face and be honest, do you believe that I am a science student?

so why the hell am I still stucked there? I always wondered.

But recently, I was looking at my grades and they set me thinking.

Perhaps the interest could be cultivated after all.

Perhaps I should just quit scaring my parents by telling them I want to give up my diploma and piano certs by wanting to become a mere kindergarden teacher.

I always wanted to find something that I could be so interested in, so much so that I could devote my whole life into it.

and I think perhaps, I have found it.

* * *

Was on my way to nlb yesterday.

There was this group of childish and noisy 16 year old girls on the bus that day.

One of them talked so loudly and was practically boardcasting her last fling to everyone on the bus.

Yes I know, its a girls talk. Everyone does that. Nothing wrong. Perfectly okay.

But does it have to be that loud?

While she was trying so hard to impress her friends, there was this very old man who boarded the bus. He was old and frail. The bus was packed and there were no more seats.

You would expect the nearest person to give up his or her seat.

But no, they just pretended they did not see the old man and continuted to talk about their flings while the old man was standing in front of them, nearly falling.

and as if that was not bad enough.

When the bus was turning, the old man lost his balance and fell.

Anyone at his or her right state of mind would rush forward and help.

guess what they did?

One of them immediately fish out her camera and take a picture of the old man failing and whispered to her friends, saying that she wanted to blog because he looks so funny.

like what the fuck?

I immediately went to pick the old man up and shot them this I-so-despise-them look.

It kind of irritated them and they secretly, (but I saw) took photos of me, perhaps wanted to scold me in their blog.

Imagine what they would blog.

i take bus today and see a old man fall. i quickly take photo because he are funny. but there are these stupid girl who go to pull him up and diao us because we never help. i got say dunwan help meh? take photo of him, powder my face first den help la. but then not fast enough mah. so not my fualt. bitch hor? i show u all her photo.

*myphoto*

Thanks for the publicity.

Seriously, I think they should just sack their gardener because he is obviously not doing his work. well if he is, then why are their brains not growing?

I just simply couldnt comprehend why such people are still allowed on this surface of the earth.

They should just be rocket-ed to Mars and live with the one-cell creatures there.

what a turn off.

2007-05-24T21:14:00.000+08:00

I must have done something terribily wrong.

So much so that cramps, cough, flu and sore throat decides to invade me altogther today.

I was practically studying microorganisms while allowing them to happily invade me.

What a day.

* * *

Was hanging out pretty much with shirr the last week.

We spend a total of 6 hours just to queue for donuts.

no, we didnt went nuts.

It has been such a long time since we did such absurd things.

and yes people, absurdity do relive stress.

wait, wait and wait. waiting for the queue to move ...

this is what i call life.

2007-05-15T20:17:00.000+08:00

i am so unhappy.

its easy to start but is always never easy to keep.

It is always the beginnings that are the best.

Like when you are straving and it feels like you have been waiting for dinner for hours; the smell that lingers in the air tickled ur taste buds, making your mouth watery, teasing you until you take the very first bite that would make you feel so ridiculously statisfied and go giggling over the joy of having food in your mouth.

Nothing can beat the first relaxing minute when you step inside the steambath, before the heat in that little room starts to burn ur skin; or your first step outside in a new pair of shoes before they decide to cut you.

The first night out in a new outfit that makes you feel half your size before you wash it and it becomes just another outfit in your cupboard that you have worn at least a hundred times. The first hour of the day, when you feel that you might just have enough energy to last throughout the day. The first few minutes when you play the piano, indulging yourself in whatever mood that the song decides to influence you with, before your hands got so swollen and painful.

The first time you met the men of your dreams, the first time your stomach flips, the first time your hear your heart slamming against the ribcage, the first time your eyes met.

At beginnings, things are always so special, new, innocent, unspoiled by experince or boredoom. Hence people always cherish things in the beginning and only at the beginning.

You had fights. You say things that you definately dont mean but all just in a heat of a moment. You forgive each other and move on but never really forget about the words that are spoken. You dont want to show how much you care because thats so uncool. You pretend to act nochalant when you are dying to talk. When you train yourself not to care, the heart listens.

I turn towards the window adjacent to my study table to find out that the sun had been replaced by the moon who turn its back on me and guided people in the other direction.

Just yesterday, it was still shining at my direction so bright an clear.

It soon occurs to me that sometimes, when you are extremely down, even the moon turn its back on you.

It wasnt suppose to be this way.

fuck. why am i so emo today.

2007-05-13T22:23:00.001+08:00

nothing is going right for everyone.

not for me, not for them.

we are always rushing, always chasing after something, always choinging to somewhere.

life is not rainbows and butterfiles after all.

This week, I ...

lost and found my locker keys.
lost and found my no.6 button.
lost and never found my bottle.
choing into the wrong toilet, yes, the guys toilet.
took the wrong phone home.

I think i better do something about it before my luck runs out.

i am going to do yoga tml. i dun care.

2007-05-13T19:32:00.000+08:00

finally something after all the hard work.

2007-05-12T15:37:00.000+08:00

was slacking at starbucks the other day.

shir: ever wondered what kind of guys you will like?

me: he must be matured. cannot always talk nonsensical stuff and be so noisy like most guys do. quiet but must be humorous. must be intelligent but humble. cannot talk too much.

shir: wah u damn jialat leh like that. u surely cannot get married one.

me: really arh?

tong(serious): can lar, can. statue loh.

me: . . .

shir: LOL. true.

2007-05-11T14:09:00.002+08:00

finally, for one reason or another, we have all decide to slack for the day.

休息是为了走更长远的路。

2007-05-09T14:26:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, I wonder if it is worthwhile to give up all the fun I should have.

I am not doing what i like. I am not doing what I want.

I miss yoga. I miss slacking.

i am really starting to doubt.

2007-05-06T19:02:00.000+08:00

After two hours of kicking and screaming and blasting of music in my room, I am back with more drive than before.

As I have predicted, the hate was no longer there. Not that it really matter anyway.

Its okay hungsiewkee, you must get use to the fact that there are always people who will make you feel worst when you are down. Please remember the reason why you choose to work hard and not continue slacking this year. Please do not let your GPA end up in a mess again, even if it means that you will have to compromise your principle.

" JUST la, just." If you would understand.

Oh and by the way, to those idiots. I have one good news and one bad news for you guys.

The good news is that god has forgiven you. Dont worry; you are not going to hell.

The bad news is that I am going to score better and much much better than you think I am going to be.

Just eat your heart out.

2007-05-06T18:38:00.000+08:00

Screw them for adding salt to wounds.

I shouldnt have g0t so carried away when I got A for 3 modules during the second week.

Thanks. Thanks a whole lot Mr. Kelvin.

" Try to put yourself in their shoes. Everyone have a fair chance to make themselves loveable and likeable to others. But some facilitators sacrificed their chance by making our life difficult just because they want us to learn."

This was what I told one of my friends when he was screw-ing his facilitator last week.

To the hell with the sacrifices now.

Yes, I realised that I am being so not rational and understanding now.

I am a very mood influenced person. I cant help it if I am made that way.

I enjoy being influenced by my mood. I hate altering them to suit circumtstances. And so I confidenly thought that no any other things would change this priniciple.

And well, the grades just did.

I expected my grades to be bad when I was talking to him last night. But I thought I could be as nochalant as before.

But I could not. The disappointment was more than what I have expected and could take, when I saw the big C this morning.

So much so I was a bit teary after remembering vaguely the troubles I went through to finish the RJ and the amount of effort I put for that day.

hungsiewkee you are so dumb and silly. I despise you for being so over confident. I despise you even more for being such a cry baby.

I screamed at my brother for buying me my favourite food. I just banged at my piano. I just tore a few pages from my microbiology books. I just threw away my brother's tutorial notes. I kicked all my soft toys to the floor. I screamed at the grang guni man for wanting to buy my old newspapers. There is always someone walking by when I feel like screaming. The last time was a ice-cream man, now this. How unfortunate for them.

I so want to sit on the floor and kick and scream and wail like a spolit brat.

Yes, I want to be so spoilt at this very moment to appease just to appease myself.

I hate everyone for making my day so miserable.

I hate myself too, for very well I know, at the very next moment I will forgive everyone and forget about everything. I am just so mood influenced.

I am so pathetic. I cant even hate for long.

You are laughing at me, arent you?

2007-02-13T12:17:00.000+08:00

I feel like being honest. But honesty was never easy.

Life is great. My coughing has not stopped. I coughed out blood.

***

Sometimes, when you thought you have seen through everything, when you thought everything was within your predictions, when you thought you have already seen the worst. Things suddenly went out of hand.

You thought you have already been to the end. Then suddenly, u realised that it was only the starting point.

Things that are supposed go to the right went to the left. You have your whole world turned around and everything cave in.

Its time to start everything again.

tell me that i'm pretty to make me happy.

***

It was shirley's bday yesterday. It has been a long time since we gathered together. we really had a good time.

I love them.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ~~~

***
after celebrating, dollie and i decide to hit the funfair outside hougang mall.

IT IS SO EXPENSIVE CAN.

you have to pay admission fee. after that, go in still have to pay for the ride.

ONE TOKEN $2.5O.

PLEASE DO NOT EVER GO THERE .

We are all happy people. =)

2007-01-27T10:00:00.000+08:00

I was pathetically sick this few days.

I almost coughed out my liver.

Last night, last last night and last last last night, I coughed myself to sleep.

How wonderful life can be.

***

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend online.

She just broke up with her guy a few days ago.

She was totally shattered.

I was shocked as well. They are together for 5 years. They are the happiest couple I have ever seen.

You see, the thing is, I am a very negative person. Too much things have happened to made me realised that there are no forever after all. True love? They are for fools.

I know I should not stereotype. I know it is not a fair judgment. I know; I realised. But I couldnt help it. Too much have happened. It was more than enough to dissuade me from being objective so that I would not be exposed to hurt again.

But when I look at that couple every time, they made me realised that true love was not foolish. They made me feel that, maybe it does exist after. And that whatever unpleasant things that are going to happen, is worthwhile, just for the person you loved. Even if it means being a fool for life.

They were the last faith I have for love in this pathetic world.

And they just broke.

She used to complain that he did not make enough time for her, for them.

She often say that there wasnt enough memories of them being together.

Little did she realise that memories was her fatal blow.

Now, everywhere she went, every song she heard, every thing she ate, there were memories of them.

Whenever memories came to visit, she said it feel like a knife cutting her. The pain within was worst than cutting her wrist.

She was my 5th friend who had their wrist cut because of love.

Look at this and try telling me I Love You.

People of the ancient fought and died for love. This was because they had no chance, no freedom.

Today, there were no kings who forced woman to become his concubines, no rich ladies forced to married to someone they do not love, no blind dates and no blind marriages.

People of today had the chance, had the freedom. They thought it was unnecessary to fight for and hence did not learn to cherish.

I always say the world is fair. It is either this or that. When did God ever bestow you two wonderful gifts at the same time?

2007-01-20T11:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes I am sick and tired of this world.

It can get pretty irritating when you keep on hearing people going on and on grumbling about how unfair their life is.

If it was meant to be that that all living beings must abide by the strong-will-dominate-and-weak-will-die law, then what can you do?

Wreck Mothers Nature?

Count me in when you find her.

They always say the world is never fair and that there is nothing they can do about it.

But still, people continue to fight for equality. Fighting for fairness.

They continue to sat rules and regulations to make people abide so everyone is fairly treated.

They continue to go to war because they wanted fairness.

If you ask me, I say the world is fair. As a matter of fact, it is balanced.

Sadness has to present in order for us to be happy. I say we dont feel happy, instead, we feel the difference.

When there is someone confessing their love or giving someone their blessings, there is bound to be someone at the other corner of the earth, hating someone else at the same time. When we are loved, we don’t feel love. Similarly, we feel the difference.

When someone is enjoying the happiness of receiving a new life, there are definitely people grieving over the death of their love ones. You dont feel the joy, you only feel the difference.

Contrastingly, when there is someone fretting over an unwanted or unwelcome new life inside them, there are bound to be someone smirking and enjoying the death of someone else at the same time. Yes, you are still feeling nothing but the difference.

Dont you see it? They all co-exist. When you say that the world is unfair, fairness will come sooner or later. This is because you have already felt the difference.

Humans are proud people. They thought they dominated the world and that all other species on the earth are under their control. They refuse to believe that their story end when they die. They choose to believe rebirth, hell and heaven.

And the sad thing is, its high time I start using we instead of they.

Hence, we always have these unreachable desires. There is always something we want, something we desire.

It is always never about needs.

When we dont get what we want, we feel irritated, sad, disappointed or angry. We did despicable things but still, did not get what we want. Then we went through so much, and finally we reached the top, we found out that this is not what we want after all.

Humans are pathetic arent they?

Sorry, I mean we. But arent we doesnt sound nice.

I bet most of you didnt even realised that every single problem in you encounter in your life is because you couldnt get the things you want. Be it tangible or intangible.

Prove me wrong.

2007-01-20T10:54:00.000+08:00

I am unhappy. Pretty unhappy.

I don’t know how to start.

How does it feel when you found out those things you always believed didn’t actually turn out the way it was supposed to be?

I don’t know about you guys but I feel wretched.

We are best friends. Never will I allow you guys to be passer bys of my life.

I believed that we were on that very same wavelength hence we can feel the bond, we feel happy together.

But there were times where words were really hurting.

I am pretty sure no one realised. I understand that no one meant any harm. I understand that the remarks were not intentionally made. I understand that it’s a practice or rather, a trend to be sarcastic among us. Why, yes I understand of course.

But humans are emotional beings.

It had been centuries since humans last found out that not all stories have endings like a fairytale. But still, they still cry and make a big fuss when they witness or experienced any other endings but happily ever after.

You see, the thing is people always know what the rational things they ought to do are. But unfortunately, God didn’t make a great effort to bond our hearts and mind. They do not tally at all. We know it’s not right, but still, we let emotions got the better of us and do all the wrong things.

Humans are just so irritating.

Hence, even if I understand, there would still be times I would be emotional and hurt.

These simply feelings are too significant to be left alone

I seriously do hope that it is me who was being extremely over sensitive and that I am too emotional because this is really hurting too much.

In fact, it is so significant that I don’t feel balanced anymore because I could not find an avenue to vent my anger and grief.

The last thing I want to do is to strike a balance by arguing or breaking the bond.

I shudder to think what would become of me if these thoughts were infested into me.

Screw the guy who came up with ‘revenge is sweet’. That idiot who came up with this idiom probably found out that revenge is nothing but an extra wound but kept the secret and said otherwise because he wanted others to suffer what he has gone through.

But little did he know that the one who suffered the most was himself at the very end because although he deceived the world and this idiom became famous, he couldn’t deceive himself. Oh ya, plus me as well.

Nice try idiot but better luck next time.

Forget it. I am going to balance myself by hitting the piano.

2006-11-22T10:07:00.000+08:00

Have you ever wondered if anything last forever?

Fate twist and turn your life without warnings. I hate that.

I looked frantically around, like a lost child in a mall, waiting for someone to come along and say its alright. Sadly, I found none.

Friends. I always thought I didnt need new ones so that I wouldnt be torn between new and old friends. But it seems like everyone had new friends after all.

I am not blaming anyone because its nobody's fualt. I just not happy that things turn out this way.

Nothing last forever though. Not love, not friends.

Recently, I was thinking, wondering what did the future stored for me. I wondered if I would be able to give my parents good life in the future with this biomedical thing job.

My mum say it dosent matter. The responbility of keeping me alive will go to my husband in the future.

But the thing is that I do not want to restriant my future spouse to materialistic things like guys who are rich, perhaps handsome and always so full of themselves.

I want someone more than that. I want someone who knows me, someone who make me feel ... that forever does happen.

I know thats too much. Life is such a bitch anyway. Hence it certainly would not bestow me someone that perfect.

Hack me. I am just pms-ing.

Screw Life.

2006-09-15T23:34:00.000+08:00

Life changed drastically ever since I met these people. I mean the rainbow gang people.

I always thought that having clans was childish and that only nerds would stay behind their computer and be so interested in those games that I could never ever figure out with my limited intelligence.

Cool people drink and club. They paint the town red.

Dumb people fall and knock into pillars.

Apparently, that wasnt the case.

Being with simple people makes me happy too. Though I sux at dota, something makes me want to travel all the way to woodlands just to dota all day long with them.

My friends said I am turning into a geek.

But heck it, I don't care even if I am turning into a frog.

I am a happy ~~frog~~ girl.

ps. shirley wanted me to confess my love for her. and so,

shirrr, i love you. =]

2006-06-24T23:09:00.000+08:00

How does it feel when you know that one jerk who once wrecked your life is trying very hard to change himself for the better, at the one corner of the earth?

I know I ought to hate him but ironically, i felt happy for him.

* * *

I have great news.

I was looking through some very old photos of my big family this afternoon. When suddenly, I came across this wedding photo of my cousin and his vietnamese wife.

One thing about vietnamese is that they are very very curious and envious about being a Singaporean.

I don't know about other vietnamese but at least she is and her curiousness is to the extrememtly irritating extent.

I remembered she never fails to make a big fuss out of everything i wear. And i mean everything. I was just in a tube and a skirt with heels the last time i visited their family and she was "wah-ing" all the way when i was in the house.

Thats not the worst.

She always like to ask questions. Very interesting questions.

Her:
"How many km is Singapore from malaysia?"
Me:
"i'll try and measure the next time."
Her:
" What do you eat in Singapore?"
Me:
"Food."
Her:
"How does kids in Singapore grows?"
Me:
"erm. i think i go get us a drink."

I always feel like kicking her but instead, i see myself flashing the sweetest smile at her.

I am so fake.

And ya, the great news is, she is coming to visit us in Singapore.

I am damn sure her first question when she came out of the plane will be
" How many clouds are there in Singapore's sky arh?"

Please grant me death.

2006-06-15T22:35:00.000+08:00

I am so full.

Full of inexplicable feelings, things and thoughts. I need to talk to someone before anyone decide that i'm nuts.

I think i am losing this avenue, if you know what i mean. So, blogging was never meant to be emptying thoughts that couldnt came out verbaly. It is more of sharing, or even entertaining.

I need someone, somewhere or something to hear me talk without giving any opinions but just purely acknowledgement.

More than once, I looked frantically around, like a lost child looking for his mom in the mall. But i couldnt find what I want.

Maybe i should go talk to a mute.

Maybe i am just being emotional.

I hope the moon melts the ice cream man and his ice creams away.

and his fucking bell too.

ahhhhhh!

2006-06-04T14:38:00.001+08:00

Friend A:
Omg. You look like doll doll leh.

Friend B:
You got see so g0ng de doll before meh?

Me:
. . .

Friend A:
LOL. quite true la.

2006-06-02T17:24:00.000+08:00

I really really have no time to blog. See, i am even using the "see-ing" stars session to blog.

Lets pray that I dun get caught by the president.

Shirley. Mich. Tong. Jane.

woOoS. tong's belt drop.

kissh me.

zzz. i M flat.

stupid. DUN LET US TUCK OUT.

London bridge is falling down~

mei NUs.

this is lvl 6 meh?

speak no evil. DUN TOUCH ME. hear no evil. SEE NO EVIL.

LOVE. i luv u, u luv me. X]]

. . .

Chel.Mich.

WHY ITS THEM AGAIN.

the longest legs in class.

Everyone is looking at me in the canteen. =((

ShiR. Mich.

johnson~~~ =))

die. kana caught.

bye.

2006-05-28T12:35:00.000+08:00

i feel so lonely all of a sudden.

Like god decides that i shall be invisible for that afternoon because he wants to punish me for lying. Like at that particular lonely afternoon, I am damn sure that no one will remember me.

I am not okay.

I dun feel like talking.

2006-05-22T23:03:00.000+08:00

darren:
I heard u signed up for dance.

me:
Oh. I went nuts that night and hence the decision.

Darren:
So u going for the audition later?

me:
hmm.. u think lei?

darren:
i comfirm this will happen if u go. 5,6,7, *ka boom* 1,2,3,4 *ka boom*

me:
huh?

darren:
by the fouth time, the instructor will ~~bang his head onto the nearest pillar~~ shakes his head and say, hais.. silky again.

me:
...

Just try and console me people.

2006-05-15T19:36:00.000+08:00

Sometimes when one cant see the purpose of the many events that happened in your life, one can get very very lost.

I am a biomedical science student. Even idoits know i do nth but research and research. So why the hell does the school make me go through painful modules like communication and enterprising?

eh buddy. lets communicate can. talk to me leh. eh buddy. talk leh! hoi! dun talk burn down your house arh.

buddy~ Today, i am going to recommand you to a buyer. Remember later do a few stunts to impress him k?

wa lao eh. dun tell me like that meh?

From young, like any other typical kids, i had ambitious ambitions.

When i saw how lawyers helped bring those baddies to justice, saw how they gained respect and those social status, i told myself, i wan to be a outstanding lawyer when i grew up.

However, after watching ten episodes of 'healing hands', i decide that i wan to be noble and change the fate of dying people. I want my hands to be the pathway that led souls from hell to the living world.

I want to be a doctor.

And of course, the list goes on.

I know you be probabely laughing because i couldnt jolly well be anyone of them. I know, i know. i might fucking fall in the operation room while trying to do a heart transplant for a paitient. and that patient would most probabely laugh to death before the body could even detect that he lost his heart.

Okay, that wasnt the point.

The thing is, things never became quite the same when I grew up.

As i grew older, i was exposed to the temptations and experienced how evil human beings could actually be. I witnessed karmas in other people. I grew tired of this competitive world, the weak-will-die-strong-will-dominate theory. I hate to believe that people have to cunning and scheming in order to survive.

I knew i wasnt the material to be evil. fine, i am too dumb.

Hence, I have choosen something simple and yet fulfiling. I will be surrounded by not evil plots nor polictics of the office, but..

kids!

Those simple minded kids. Those honest and content kids. Its strange to see how a small little life comes to this filthy world, day by day, absorbing harmful ethics. I really cannot imagine that those innocent kids will one day become one of those uncles and aunties trying to push each other down the cliff.

Okay, i know i was a bit off.

What i am trying to sae is that I am not doing what i want.

I am throwing away distinction certs from grade 1 to 7 and this piano. My mother was pretty disappointed. She half expected i would ~~fall my way through~~ grew up and become a pianist. Or at least, a piano teacher.

My father on the other hand wanted me to be a successful biomedical scientist. He was pretty disappointed too, when i told him to be grateful if i start bombing labs only at the age of, say.. 30?

So just imagine their reaction when their little daughter decides to be neither one but instead, a simple and lowly paid kindergarden teacher.

I spend half of my life trying to be my parent's siewkee. When excatly can I have my own say and do something i like? I rather spend the rest of my life tripping over little childrens in the classroom than falling over boiling tubes in the labs.

I just cant help but to feel that i am wasting my time away.

I hope someone understands me.

At this instance, i suddenly feel that i am so insignificant.so much so that no guys would fancy such a simple girl like me.

PS. if i ever become a scientist, i will invent a potion that can kill uncles who peeps when people are changing. screw them.

2006-05-12T12:28:00.000+08:00

One day, my father decides that his little daughter did not have enough falling experince. Hence, he decide to change his car..

from this

to this gigantic monster

Look at the distance.

And while my bro and I were packing up in the old car, we found the sunglasses that my father used 30 years ago to woo my mother.

Cool? Brother and sister forever.

2006-05-10T22:01:00.000+08:00

and so, yah. i fell again.

i really have doubts about my legs. This time it was in the canteen, in front of this damn yandao guy.

i have no wish to elaborate.

Ed says i should g0 for walking lessons. Jason says i should g0 for lessons that teach me how not to fall. Mich says I am incurable, she rather i concentrate on how to fall right into the yandao's arms instead of falling beside him. Tong and the rest decides that its already good enough that i dun start banging into walls and pillars.

and i see someone trying to pass me the walking stick.

like what the hell? got so serious meh?!

So if there are dairies or daily journal in RP, mine would probably looked like this:

Day 1:
Today, i fell in the theatre room.

Day 2:
Erm, yah fell again in the canteen.

Day 3:
WHAT THE FUCK. fell again in the toilet.

Day 4:
FUCKING HELL. i fell into the pond..

and by the 5th day, i am damn sure my faci. will galdly allow me to skip his lessons to attend another module. This would probably appear in my leo:

Y101 - Module for idoits
Problem 1 - How not to fall when idoits are walking

***

Recently, i am very much annoyed by the CCA fairs held in my school. Every event looked so cool, especially dancing and styling. Being an indecisive person, I was loss.

Fortunately, ed came and solved my problem with just one question.

"How many times do u think u want to fall on stage in a song's time?"

2006-05-06T16:38:00.000+08:00

I think i was drunk last night.

But can anyone tell me why are my ankles bleeding when i woke up in the morning?

***

I cant fucking believe that i allow myself to be that ugly 5 years back. Where are the god damn fashion police? WHY DIDNT THEY PUT ME IN JAIL? and yes, i was dumb enough to be taken in by the teachers, BE THE ANGELS OF THE SCHOOLS. BE A PREFECT~~~

2006-04-25T21:12:00.000+08:00

I am not a very pretty or an attractive girl. Hence, i reckoned that the fastest way to gain publicity is to fall down from the stage while u are presenting in front of i seriously duno how many students.

HR6 is robot that has free scale semiconductor's 56F83xx DSP hybrid controller which allows --- ahhhhh~

say one fine day, two idoits decide to bitch during break.

Friend A:
EHH. u know hor, that girl who did stunt on stage that day.. whats the name arh
Friend B:
SILKY si boh. poor girl, lost her footing and fell. everyone was like laughing loh.
Friend A:
YA LOH. people thought she nervous, but i think hor, is she see me too handsome den FALL DE LAH. waHAHAHA.

Unless u are hungry for publicity, do not try this ~~at home~~ in school.

2006-04-23T16:11:00.000+08:00

Say, if one day, u are so tired of being unpopular or even ugly and u wish that u were some pretty and popular people like Jay chou and Lara. you can actually try this.

who says that the sirs and sergents in NCC and NPCC are always that strict and annoying?

where is the love

2006-04-20T22:44:00.000+08:00

where is the love

there is no meaning to the word love. there is no defination. there are no adults that will try and explain to their children what is love. and there will be no children asking:" Mum, what the hell is actually love?"

the point i am driving at is, every human being are born with the passion to love and not to hate. the thing after they learn to wail is love.

but what if one fine day, u choose to hate instead of loving the one who bought u to the earth? whatever happen to the passion that were once so inseperatable with u when u are an infant, it was simply too much.

wet clothes thrown into the bin. screams. pleas and desperate begs. squeals and sobs. slamming doors. broken vases. more screamings.

it wasnt suppose to be this way.

and just when i tot i was the luckiest girl on this planet because the worst idiot i have met in my life so far, was that bitch who steals my boyfriend.

this had to happen.

i turn around to face the window, adjacent to my study table, just to find out that the sun has been replaced by the moon that had turned its back on me and guided people in the other direction.

just yesterday nite, it was shining at my direction, so bright and clear.

it soons occurs to me that sometimes, when u are at the lowest point in ur life, even the moon turns it's back on you.

It wasnt supposed to end this way. and so I won't let it.

2006-04-16T14:09:00.000+08:00

gathering was fun. everyone turn up as promised.

we looked like a big family again. guys talking about girls. girls? there were only peishan, mich and me. we were busy eating. like how to talk abt guys when both of them are attached?

it wld most probabely looked like this.

peishan:
u know hor, alvin bought me to this romantic resturant on valentine's day leh! there were roses and all. omg! i love him so much loh.
mich:
oh. ed brought me to this very romantic cable car and we had our dinner there. though half the time i was imagining the cable car chain breaking and we wld be like the dinner of erm, sharks and fishes. but still, its nice. oh, and ya, i love him so much too.
me:
ohhh.*covers my mouth* so romantic arhh. my father bought me to crystal jade resturant during valentine's day. i guess i love him as well. *roll my eyes*

where is my fav food?

I swear i told him at least a hundred times not to play with olivea's toy car.

After dinner, we had few rounds of heart attack and snap. Abel and zi gao lost and did their forfeit.

Just in case u were wondering, abel was wearing sth.

***

okay, i am not in a mood to joke because my first day of sch really didnt turn out well. i dun feel like whining. because its not going to help.

and just when i thought this was the worst.

look ping, i am really sorry okay? i really have to rush this assignment by 11 tonite and wake up by 5 the next morning. if things are not done and i am late tml morning, i might as well fling myself out of the window.

whats worst, window flingings never work like they the way use to again.

dangerous guys

2006-04-12T12:07:00.001+08:00

dangerous guys

school is starting next week. and there are NO SHUAI GE IN MY CLASS. great.

i really hate that pond in my sch. because whenever i walked pass, it seems to look at me and say, " come on, jump in. its cool."

but still, the gd thing abt it is that i would have an avenue to kick jerks who attempt to dump me in the future.

***

life is really about contradictings huh? leaving the people who love u and loving the people who left u.

Just like how i often tell myself to dump this shoe away because its killing me.

but i always find it carrying me in town.

dangerous guy no. 1

This is ping's crush. He often reminds me of dangerous guys that made me seek solace in drinking. I knew he is dangerous. we all knew he is dangerous. but still, we put him on the list.

dangerous guy no. 2

I find him cute, because he is shy. BUT he is damn filrt. Filrt and yet shy? wat a combination. he is that sort that could tell u that he will be holding Miss A's hand the next time we see him, while he was holding Miss B's hand. He's also the kind of guy that i wouldnt hesitate to kick into my sch pond.

dangerous guy no. 3

This is N's crush. He looks dangerous. In reality, he is absolutely safe. But safe guys like this are always taken by girls who would gadly chain him to the tree.

I would slap the next person who tells me god is fair.

affairs and ants

2006-04-06T17:08:00.000+08:00

edwardd loves michelle says:
go find ur china man?

ms-simple.blogspot.com says:
he is n0t in my list. btw, he is NEVER on my list

edward loves michelle says:
ya i n0e. he is taken by u... wad for on ur list

ms-simple.blogspot.com says:
...

edward loves michelle says:
do u put things tat u haf on ur shoppin list? u dun rite?

ms-simple.blogspot.com says:
YA. u are always right.

Why is it a common misunderstanding that there is one leg between me and dong? I just cant comprehend.

***

After my that clock post, ed told me this before i left for dinner.

edward loves michelle says:
b careful of e ants

ms-simple.blogspot.com says:
..

edward loves michelle says:
when u cross e roads

ms-simple.blogspot.com says:
LOL HAHA. ur clans.

edward loves michelle says:
ya. my ginnas.

so ANTS lao da and ANTS da jie, pls ask ur ginnas to take care of me when I am outside hor.

Last day II

2006-04-04T01:42:00.000+08:00

Courteosy of Li ping.

Last day.

Rong na and Daniel. Cute.

I wan to remember everyone forever.

Clock, the most irritating thing on earth

2006-04-03T00:49:00.000+08:00

i do not have any idea how did ping and the rest adopted the habit in calling me kee kee.

damn it, i hate that name.

***

banquet life really makes me appreciate the waiter and waitress in resturants.

sometimes, u have to experince it before u can actually understand or even appreaciate.

just like how i used to mock at those kia su aunties who kia su-ly went to scan their ez-link card when their alighting stop is like 3 traffic lights away.

now my mother, unfortunately, a member of those kia su aunties, laughed at me when i top up ez link card for the third time this week.

***

met ed and mich for steamboat.

i must sae, they haven change a bit. still as loving as ever, still as mushy as ever and still as irritating as ever.

i mean, apart from the suan-ings, oh well i am used to it, there is something else that bothers me.

they never fail to unleashed the despreate-to-find-a-bf in me. being with them makes me just want to go grab the guy from next table and asked him if he wants me.

this is pretty serious. i am not kidding.

for the past few months, i havent been meeting them because of work. this dumb biology clock has been quiet and tamed inside me. quiet enough to make me reject dates. quiet enough to make me stop filrting. quiet enough to stop me from falling for my best friend's crush.

so tamed that i had almost forgotten its existence.

and this couple had just conveniently awoken that damned clock a few hours ago. it was just like a monster who had slept for a hundred years and was awaken by two dumb ants while trying to cross the road.

it looked so refreshing. so much so that it hinted trouble.

Dear God,

may there be peace in the world.
may there be peace in me.
may that damned clock be smashed in me.

Amen.

Last day

2006-04-01T14:42:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was their last day.

Dillys, Liping and some others.

Yup, they cried. I always thought it was silly for me to cry during my last day. But after last night, I knew it was only natural. Everyone was too attached to that place. Way too attached.

I often wonder how would they feel after they left. Will they feel the emptiness inside them just like how I did when I just left? Will they missed every little bit of that big shop? Will they just sit at one corner, staring at the thin air and reminise the times when they used to disturb each other during work? Feeling happy at one moment and hurt at the next minute when reality reminds them that they are no longer part of them.

I went through it all. Alone.

And in time, they will soon realise that its part and parcel of life. Just like how I did.

I bet they were luckier than me. They had time to count down to their last day. Had time to hug the ones they secretly have big crushes on. Had time to thank those who once helped them. Had time to apologise to the bitch that they bitch about yesterday. Had time to take a last look at everyone and everything and keep it inside them forever.

I did not have the time.

I missed those people terribly.

No more straight hair.

2005-12-03T01:05:00.000+08:00

No more striaght hair

MS-simple. say gdbye to straight hair. says:
i just wen to perm my hair

wintertide says:
i tot sperm lol

MS-simple. say gdbye to straight hair. says:
..

wintertide says:
cant really see clear

MS-simple. say gdbye to straight hair. says:
like how can i SPERM MY HAIR?

Tell me how not to miss this chinaman when he is gone.

edited

2005-11-21T15:31:00.000+08:00

edited.

Actually, I do not think I owed anyone any explaination.IF YOU think I sux and that I am or whore/bitch/slut or whatever. GO AHEAD. Siphon all your life's misery into this important task.

I do not wish to waste another of my brain cell into this matter.

I rather use it to think of ways to make my tigh silm down.

Shyt, I think it grow 0.02cm liao leh. How huh?

Bullied

2005-10-24T22:57:00.000+08:00

Bullied

The whole world is bullying me. Even the beetle is also bullying me, threatening to fly over if I do not leave the computer.

This is so unfair. I feel like throwing tantrums. It has been ages since I threw one. Even a saint also quit his job once in a while to be a devil.

I wan to kick my piano. I wan to smash my TV. I wan to pull all the leaves out of my plant. I wan to kick at cats. I wan to scream at ice cream man. I wan to sit on the floor, kick and wail like a baby. I wan to cry. I wan to be alone.

Even if I know I will forgive them the next minute, I still wan to be angry.

This is so hilarious. You are laughing at me, arent you?

Blackies II

2005-09-10T19:35:00.000+08:00

Blackies II

Today was definately a bad day to be a good girl.

Mummy was back from the market. I left my char. in maple at a not very safe place and hurried down to help her to with the groceries.

On my way back, there was this bangalar blocking my way. Oh well, the weather is nice today, there are butterfiles and the trees are green. Therefore, I decide not to scream at the bangalar. Instead, I siam him and attempted to walk into the lift.

He then delibrately blocked the entrance again. Like what the hell? I immediately enlarged my pupils to the largest size and glared at him.

" If you could excuse me."
" I am cleaning the lift."
" Cant you stay inside and clean that lift while I take the lift?!"
" I am cleaning the lift"
" But.. But.."

*Bangalar den ignores me and continue to spray some liquids onto the handle.

I stared at him in disbelief. I was carrying two big bags of groceries and he expect me to climb all the way to the eighth floor.

GOT THIS KIND OF THING OR NOT? YOU TELL ME? GOT OR NOT?

Why everytime I am always so unfortunate? Why everytime I MUST MEET THIS KIND OF DUMB BANGALARS?!

The first one was that moron who insist on cutting my bicycle chain. And now this. What the hell. They should really be grilled, fried and then tied up. I think they would be of better use if they served as punching bags.

Seriously, I dun mean to discriminate those blackies. As a social studies student, I strongly believe in euqallity among all races. But like how could I possibly go about singing the praises of bagalars when those blackies come into my life and pissed me off one after another?

This is certainly too much.

If I ever grew up and become a fantastic liar, the first thing I will do is to lie to all the bagalars, telling them those two-cell creature in Mars has invaded the Earth. Following that, I will fake a kind soul and put them on the next rocket to Jupiter.

And from then on, the birds will start singing, flowers starts to bloom and everyone's tigh will decrease by 5cm. WHY? Because the world is free from bangalars.

!@#$%^&*

And just when I thought this was the worst.

I was at the second storey when my phone rang. I curse and swear as I put down the groceries down and picked up the phone.

" JIE!! YOUR CHAR. IS DYING!! IT HAS FALLEN DOWN!!! --- "

Then the phone went dead.

My char.? DYING?

I immediately dashed up. But den again, how fast could I be? Already I was a slow runner,(since I mentioned running,I think I still have yet to pass my 2.4) now I am with two heavy bag of veges and fruits. LIKE HOW FAST COULD I GO?!!

When I rushed back to my destop, I saw my soul..

and my grave.

No one should disagree with me that this kind of bangala deserve to be shot.

Bad Girl II

2005-09-09T14:59:00.000+08:00

I am a bad girl.

I refused to accompany my mother to bugis because I wasnt wearing any makeups. Instead, I was in a pair of dumb jeans and a godforsaken shirt.

I thought we were just visiting the dentist.

Ten minutes later, mummy jumped into the next cab angrily without me.

Standing alone at that godforsaken place,(geylang) I was too angry for words.

After what seemed like forever, a cab came by and horn-ed me. I was about to scream at the driver when suddenly, I saw my mum in it.

So, they u-turned back.

" I knew u did't brought your wallet." was all she said when I got back into the cab.

I told myself to hug her and tell her how happy I am to see her.

But all I heard was, " It wasnt any of ur business."

We wasted 15 bucks on the cab fare. And I still have yet to see the dentist.

I honestly have no idea why things would turn out that way.

Please try and convince me that I am not a bad girl.

I hate it when I feel like crying.

Reasons for not blogging

2005-08-29T18:25:00.000+08:00

Reasons for Not Blogging

I know I have not been blogging for quite some time. I am really busy nowadays. Hence, I could no longer toture my legs with heels in town like I used to do. Lesser outings means lesser things to blog. Thus, I decide to share with u what I am busy with instead.

Reason 1

Recently, Mum was really angry with dad for something. No matter what guesses I have made, I still could not get it. I almost thought that my father kept a mistress.

But actually it turns out to be..

Its not my fault lar..

Daddy went to some 10 minutes hair-cut and ended up with this I-just-came-out-from-the-prison hairstyle which was so hysterical. Mummy was so fed up because he looked so dumb after that hair-cut. So much so that she asked him to stay away from her.

Dun come near me I tell u.

Therefore, I have to spent sometime pulling them together. What funny parents I have. Both of their ages add together is already equating to 100 plus, still wan to throw tantrum. Sigh.

Reason 2

My cousin is getting married the next week. Therefore, another excuse for me to shop.

This was one of the dress I tried. Its elegant and brought out my not-very-obvious curves. My mum said its good. I think its pretty good too. We bought that dress. When reached home at the end of the day, I asked me mum,

" Mummy, do you think its rude to wear black to dinners?"

" Yeah, I think so."

Great. Another excuse for me to shop and look for another dress.

Reason 3

Prelims are round the corner. I had so many past year papers to clear and Ten Year series to complete.

what the hell

I swear I am going to burn all of them after my Os.

Reason 4

This afternoon, while I was happily mapling, the light dropped down from the ceiling. Actually, light dropping is no big deal. But guessed where it landed?

heng arh

I landed right in the middle of my laptop and me. I was damned lucky. If I had shifted my head or if the light bulb decides to drop HERE instead of HERE, you wouldnt have seen me the next day. I guess this is call good karma.

See, now the light bulb is sitting on my dictionaries quietly.

I suspect that it is trying to communicate with its swtich, willing it to drop it on my head.

So I reckoned I better stay away, from the computer area.

Reason 5

This is my room. And I think its messy.

Looks like I better do sth before my mum starts to scream.

Reason 6

I have been following this korean show recently. And I am not planning stop, not even if someone offers to slim my tigh down by 5 cm.

Okay fine. If u increase to 10 cm, I might consider leaving.

This is so michelle

2005-08-23T15:28:00.000+08:00

This blog skin cant be downloaded from blogskins.com. Its made. It wasnt me. I mean thats obvious rite? This is so michelle.

She called me at 3 30am in the morning to asked for my username and password to my blogger account.

12 hours later, I swtiched on the computer, came to my own blogspot, and I SAW THIS!! I thought that my blog was hacked. But den again, where go so good one? Hack liao still help me decorate until so nice?! Den when I saw the tagboard, everything make sense once again.

So Michelle, I wan to thank you for your efforts in replacing my simple old blogskin, with such squarish blogskin. (So 70s hor?)

I felt so squarish after staring at my blog for half an hour. I think my eyes have evolved into square shapes after the stares.

The tigh issue

2005-08-22T22:21:00.000+08:00

I was hit with test papers, test papers , test papers and MORE TEST PAPERS. And before I could even finished half of them, I was reminded that I have 2 more weeks to my Biology prelim exams. I really don't feel like whining. Its not going to help anyway. Sigh.

* * *

What would u have done if suddenly someone came over and asked u a very sensative question?

Would you
A) seh that person until his mother also cant not regconise him.
B) roll ur eyes and walk away, looking as if an alien had tried to communicate with u a second earlier.
C) tell him to fuck off.
or
D)slap him. It is always woman's right to slap a guy if she decides that she see him not happy.

Benedict came over during biology lesson and asked me this
"Why dont u ever wear skirts when u go out?"

WHYY?? why??

This is a extremely sensative question to me. If you know me well enff, you probably be laughing ur ass off at this part of the post.

I did not choose any of the above four choices though. Benedict is a good friend. I know he didnt mean any harm. He is just curious. Sigh.

Oh well, so it has come to a time when I really have to face this. I HAVE GOT BIG THIGHS CAN?! So if I ever wear skirts, I would probably look like this.

I pretty a not huh?

(I know its ugily drawn)

wa lao. This is the last thing I want to look like when I am at town. Now, do YOU understand my agony? Everytime when I see girls with slim thighs, even if they looked as if they face have been run over by trucks again and again, I still very much wanted to be like them. Sigh.

Its time to hit those watson store and get some firming cream.

* * *

Just when I wanted to click publish post, THAT moron across the street rang his bell again. I am seriously not in the best of mood. Espeacially after that thigh issue. He and his dumb theroy.

Like the more he ring his bell, there will be more patrons. So does it mean the more firming cream i apply, my tighs will become slimer? And if I put the whole bottle of firming cream on my thigh, it will be as slim as cherlle's the next morning lar?!

NO RITE?

I know that the Ice-cream man buisness probably have nth to do with my big thighs. But still, I dun care.

No one, NO ONE can disagree with me that Ice-cream man are DUMB.

Shit, I think I am pms-ing.

I hate growing up

2005-08-19T21:43:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, when I dont feel like talking, or suddenly I become very quiet, please do not come forward and provoke me. Please, unless you are very tired of living.

These few days, I was really bothered by certain issues. I do not know if I have handled them the right way. Sigh. I really hate growing up, u know, I really do. Those choices and decision u have to make really gets tougher each day.

Thinking back, I really missed those days where by nth gets harder den having to choose between chocolate ice-creams or vanilla ice-creams. Those childhood days. Those irrational decisions made. After all, I was just a insginificant kid, how harmful could my decisions be?

I dun feel like blogging the whole issue down even though, I really have the urge to do so. I mean, people do read my blog, and I am not really comfortable in sharing this.

In the past, I always turned to this avenue whenever I wanted to express myself. I am not a very expressive person in reality. Hence, any supressed emotions will be blogged. But recently, I think, I am losing this avenue, if u know what I mean.

Is it right to do this? Where excatly should I draw the line? When exactly should I blow up and tell them that I am no pushover? I feel like doing sth, sth to subdise the anger inside me so that I will no longer habour any revengful thoughts. I dun want bad karmas.

I tried to persuade myself to be magnanious and forgiving.I really did tried. But why should I? I could not find a strong enough reason for me to do so. I am not a saint after all. How about revenging? Hurting them twice as much. But am I up to it? Will I be evil and cunning enough to plot against others? or perhaps, I should just let go and never be bothered about their affairs again.

I have been struggling, between these choices.

and I have yet to come to a decision.

what do you think I should do?

So I was happy.

2005-08-13T12:48:00.000+08:00

*This is a ultra long post due to the many happy events happening these few days. The authour strongly advise everyone not to doze off if not she would make sure they fall asleep forever.

When I was scanning through my pictures, I saw pictures which I do not regconise. Seriously, it can be pretty scary when u do not even know where those pictures come from in ur phone.

Like this pic for example. I know this is Yiling. But when and where the hell did I take this? AND WHY? By the way, she looks as if she is on drugs. So high.

and this. I think its me. But again, it does not really look like me leh. DEN WHO? wa lao. this is so eerie loh.

* * *

Instead of celebrating National Day on that last tuesday, this crazy bunch of us went to k box. This the first time I sing without smokers destorying my lungs in that enclosed room. Quite fun though.

However, it seems like to the manager there, non-smoking customers (or rather those who do not look like ah bengs and ah lians) are always amateurs at k box. I do not know if all think that way, but at least that manager who served us that day did. He seemed pretty unhappy when dong asked him about the payment.

So what if they asked him 5 times before they finally understood? We are paying leh, its our right to understand how everything works mah. Besides, it is just because the fact that he is dumb, and thus do not know how to explain to us. If he had brians, once is more than enough for us to understand.

Everytime he came in, he wore a face that looks as if his wife locked his balls away in order to prevent him from doing funny business. But like hello? Its not our fault that ur wife locked them away. So stop pulling that face in front of us, u idoit.

Its very irritating leh. Its like when u are singing solo, ur voice fits in the song perfectly. The climax is coming, u are very prepared to let out ur highest pitch nicely. Everyone is looking at u, waiting for that moment. And suddenly, just one second before that moment - the door swings open, and a very fucked up face came in requiring u to order 8 more drinks.

And all ur prepared emotions and voice gets swung away as well.

I wished that that fucker wokes up tml morning with his wife telling him that she had lost the keys of the container that was containing his balls.

Nevertheless, everyone was so unaffected by him.

wo he ni wen bie..

Look at dong. He is so happy. Singing and dancing on the sofa, as if he is holding a concert.

Kay Chun wishing on his birthday. May all his wishes come true.

Look at Madm cheah's daughter, she is just so adorable.

Abel and Gao, so engrossed, as if there is chio bu in front.

I am extremely happy that day. Really. I hope u guys are too.

* * *

Can someone tell me whats wrong with wearing like this?

If there is nothing wrong, DEN WHAT IS EVERYONE STARING AT? Those stares really made me thought I wore my undies outside.

But still, Wendy and me are still as crazy as ever. Especially after watching The Wedding Crashes. Its dirty. Its funny.

I hope these happy days last.

Icecream Man.

2005-08-09T22:36:00.000+08:00

I feel like screaming.

I am supposed to be under my blanket, on the cosy bed, probably drooling over some popstar. But that fucking ice-cream man spoiled it all.

My head hurts like hell, as if smashing it against the wall was the only way to stop the pain. But after second thoughts, I decide against it because I reckoned my mother would rather choose to spend a few thousands to repair the wall than spending a few hundreds to let the doctors do some sewing work on my head.

Ice-cream man are dumb. They really are. Apparently, they thought that the more the ring the bell, there will be more customers flocking over to buy their stupid ice-cream. Oh well, at least that dumbo across the street think this way. Like so moronic can?

I feel like confronting him leh. But I am so lazy to change into something more presentable. Besides, I really cant summon anymore energy after a 9 hrs of ktv. I am beat. He is damn lucky.

***

Yesterday, Mummy went mad. She gave me 100 bucks and asked me to buy anything I need. So, I was walking around the mall, trying to find sth I ~~want~~ need. Shops after shops I passed by, there was nothing. I begin to feel restless.

Suddenly, something hits me.(not literally though) I realised that sth walks pass me. I looked around and found out that there are plenty of this 'sth'. Its all around me. I felt so significant, because I wasnt one of them.

dun bother to guess, u will neva get it.

COUPLES.

They are everywhere. And I immediately knew that what I want need can never be bought by a mere 100 bucks.

I nid someone to show me to how is it like to have my heart slamming against my ribcage again. I nid someone to show me how is it like to breathe with excitement. I nid someone to show me how is it like to be blushing. I nid someone to hold my hand no matter how sweaty my palm has become and never let go. I nid someone to tell me that I am the prettiest living creature on this planet.

Shit, my biology clock is kicking again.

*sigh.

I cant believe I've survived till this bit. I cant believe that ice-cream man is still ringing that bloody bell.

I hope my head gets better. I hope someone tells me he is dead by the morning.

I detest fridays.

2005-08-05T20:53:00.000+08:00

I cant believe that even my nerdy brother also have a DATE during this stupid friday nite.

Seriously, if this goes on, I am hating fridays.

I cant believe I am missing out all the fun tonite, right now. I just cant.

I missed them

2005-08-04T18:08:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, reality hits u pretty hard and nth in the world seemed to be in place. Nth. Its like when u look at the shadow of ur thigh. So slim, straight and nice. And when u look back into the mirror the next minute, gosh, you wish u never owned a mirror.

I do not have any idea how had it begin. Neither do I know when had it begin. It must have secretly crept into me. Its so insignificant, so much so that I can only feel it when I am alone, staring in the faraway distant, deep in my thoughts.

*sigh

I missed going to school already.

Five years ago, I hated the campus. I resented having to drag myself up when the skies are still dark. I dislike homeworks. I hated it when my friends laughed at that damned fringe when I was still a nerd. I loathed miss chua for catching that damned fringe every single morning when she had no one to pick on.

But now, given a chance, I would like to go through them all once again.(maybe minus that damned fringe)

Just imagine the little things I would missed when I leave. I would never have a class of 39 people and weaved all that memories again. I missed very single one of them.

That Chinaman talking about nth but dirty jokes during recess. Danny still wants to transform into power ranger at the age of 17. Zi gao who talks about nth but Maple all day long.

Brandon and Yeebin who never fails to make any teacher fall in LOVE with our class. Andrew who always pronounce 'size' as 'science'. KayChoon with his ever high height and results. Kelvin who always failed to grow up. Peishan who slaps pple as frequent as she ate her meals. Ivan, that pro in biology but was named sotong. Yixian, that fa-ge, famous for selling wok.

Never, can I ever find another form teacher who tells her student to 'Eat shit and die' for the gazillion time during her accounts lessons.

I missed them. Oh, how I miss them.

I want to take them all with me. Pack them in a little suitcase and take 'em all home. Thats the bad thing abt holding something dear to my heart. Because losing them feels like u as though u have lost all ur limbs. The pain is not instant, but it lingers.

*sigh.

Extraordinary abilities

2005-07-28T18:15:00.000+08:00

Exams killed me.

I cant believe that I still have to mug for Biology over the weekends. Its a Friday leh.

F-R-I-D-A-Y

In the past, Fridays used to be a pretty great deal to me. Why? Because friday means wearing beautiful clothes plus makeups, walking down town with my ~~ever-killing~~ heels, and finally, rave through the nite at sparks.

*sigh.

Those were the days. How I missed them. And the last I want to do is to spend my Friday nites behind a stack of notes and books going --

coronary heart disease is caused by fatty deposits and blood clots filling .. jialat. fill what arh? vena cava? no. pulmonary artery? no leh. dun tell me is lungs meh? wa lau. If women have fats in their lungs, den how come I sill hear them complaining abt flat chest? how can?!

* * *

Recently, I realised that all my good friends have extraordinary ablities.

Michelle, capable of making Edward doing absurb things for her. He almost went insane for her. Putting his change-girlfriend-like-change-handphone theory to a stop. Used to everyone serve him, he serve no one. Now because of Michelle, you wouldnt have regconised him if u have not seen him for years. Happy 19th anniversary.

Cherlle, another miracle with Willy. Willy and his 7 brothers swore to each other that no girlfriends would last more than three weeks with them. Willy, has the record of 62 ex(I almost fell off my chair when I heard that). And Cherlle stole away his heart and have been keeping it since 8 months ago. Happy 9th anniversary.

Cindy, called me a few days ago. This time round I really fell off my chair when I heard Chris's vioce.(duno why always like to make me fall down from chairs.) She hooked up with Chris. It took 5 whole minutes for that shocking news to sink in.

Jingyi, a natural fate-changer. Just a batt of her eyelashes, she had guys drooling over for her. Had been a long time time since we last met.

Almost forgot, Wendy. She had been with this guy for 2 years and duno how many months. Oh well, This guy is loaded. He once spend $8000 to bail Wendy out of a court case. If not for him, Wendy would be in Girls Home by now.

Everyone is so xinfu. Feel so left out leh.

Fallen

2005-07-24T12:31:00.000+08:00

It always rain when I am sad. Never had nature once failed me.

*sigh.

I dun understand, perhaps I neva will. A quarrel in the morning is enff to make my eyes puffy and red. At that tutor's house, I was totally humiliated.

Given my character, I would yell and humiliate him back or perhaps flash my slender middle finger at him. But no, I did nth more den keeping quiet, staring at the floor, receiving each word like a whiplash to my ear.

I realised, I could no longer summon any courage anymore. I am tired.

At that moment, I really wish to break down and cry. Many of a time, there is only this much I can take, anymore is just like a bucket overflowing with water, I cant handle.

Looking at the world, I suddenly feel that I am so insignificant. No matter what misfortunes has befall onto me, nth will change for me. Trees are still there, clouds are still as white and tutors are still as fucked up as ever.

Sometimes, I wonder what is it like to just leave. Neva return. Neva look back. I am really tired. I feel like shrinking all my responsibility here and just walk away.

Everything is falling onto me. Its so heavy and no one bothers to help. I cant even breathe. I am showing signs of physical wear and tear. I going to die of exhuastion.

Every step I take provokes a wake of nausea, like when u lift your leg in the darkness to place it on a step, then there is no step, no rung, nothing. Just the smooth floor and an unexpected dizziness, a mental pirouette that turns the stomach upside down.

Man, I am crying.

I felt dreams withered and that cracks are beginning to appear in my hitherto round, indestructible sky. Life is not rainbows and butterfiles after all.

I am going to take a nap. And when I wake up, I'll be brave and cheerful again. I swear.

Quarrel

2005-07-23T11:56:00.000+08:00

I am such a failure.

Mom and dad just quarreled. Mom is crying.

I duno what happened. I so wanted to go over and give her a hug, telling her everything is okay.

But all I did was to sit in front of the laptop, typing away, while she is crying upstairs.

*sigh

I am so useless. But I really cant help it when I am made this way. I never had the courage to express myself openly to anyone, not even my sistas. I am so different online and offline. I could never talk to anyone like how I blog. In reality, I was neva good with my words.

Neither could I shower hugs on the one I love, I was never brave. I always looked as if I never care, but actually, I cared. Hence, guys I liked always slipped away unknowingly.

Many of a times, I wished I could just stand in front of the ones I loved and tell them I care, I loved them. But I never did that. Dun ask me why.

What is it like when u go out with ur mother? You hold her hand, and talk abt practically everything under the sun with her.

What is it like when I go out with my mother? I never held her hand like others did. Not even once. We have nth in common to talk abt. Silence was so frequent between us that I dun feel awkward anymore. We never talked. We screamed. We quarreled.

This moment is just like any other time, when I just so fucking wanted to hug her and sae, dun cry mom, I love you.

Not Happy IV

2005-07-18T18:32:00.001+08:00

I've just read all my past posting. If u have been following, this would be the fourth time I started with a heading like this.

I am not happy.

Sth hits me (not literally though) and I feel like I could have murdered four big elephants and gobble them all up.

I have been really kind and nice all this while. But look, I am no pushover. Rest assured that I will pay him back double in the near future. If u noticed, I never broke promises.

The absence of that two mad girls did not made things better either.

But at least I have got my "Angels and Demons", if u know what i mean.

*sigh

what a day.

Not Happy III

2005-07-15T16:08:00.000+08:00

I am not happy today. I faked my smiles.

I had a quarrel with Cherlle. I wouldnt talked about who's right and wrong. Naturally I would tend to believed that I am not in the wrong. Who wouldnt thought of that in a quarrel? I dun feel like risking myself to defame her subconsiously.

Everyone had their weakness. I had a fair share of them too. I seriously cant take it when someone who is dear to me, screamed at me. I would literally broke down. Of course, if it was some other morons, I would have slapped him or sth.

I remembered the first time cherlle screamed at me in Far East, I cried. Laugh all u want. I am not afraid to admit.

What can I do when courage refused to meet me when I needed it? It seems like everytime when I tried to made courage to hold back my tears, it would ironically vanished into thin air, as if i had never possess it before.

I am extremely tired of being who I am. I dun feel like appearing as a very strong person to everyone anymore. Because apparently one who seemed strong cannot break down, they cannot afford to cry at the things that had greatly upset them. They have to be prepared for quarrels and fights in every minute of their life.

Why? Because they are supposed to be strong.

Once they broke down and cry, it means defeated. They will be laughed at. Idoits will start telling them that they are whimps and cowards.

I always feel that weaklings are fortunate because no one will bother to make a big fuss if they ever cried. It may sound absurd but its true.

I did not cry this time though. Instead, I was taken aback when I heard myself shouting back at her. Perhaps we are not as close anymore, or maybe courage decided to meet me this time round. I choose to believe the latter though.

It is always that strange. Whenever I had a quarrel with sumone, I always tried hard (and i mean fucking hard) to think of the things he or she had done for me. So that my anger would be appeased. But I found nothing. It felt like an out stretch hand, grasping something frantically in the thin air. Unfortunately, the quarrel must have sealed that part of my memories.

On the other hand, bad things surfaced itself one after another. Strange huh?

At times like this, I really wished that I had a guyfriend with me so that I can fill him in with things about the quarrel, my feelings and all.

I cant posssibly go running to some of my girlfriends and tell them this. I am a women myself, I know that if they ever hear of this, they would see me as bitching about cherlle. I would have unknowingly defamed myself.

But a guyfriend would take this apporach in a totally different manner. They would know that all I need is a listening ear. They also understand that everything I've said was in the fit of anger. The best thing is that, they would neva take these things into consideration and judge Cherlle from there.

Indeed, God's creations are wonderful.

However, I do not seem to have such guyfriends. Thus, I turned this avenue instead.

Did u guys ever watched Man in Black? I know its a pretty old show. They always have this flashlight with them. This flashlight always comes in handy when they have to erased memories of aliens from civilians. A flash mades them forget things that happened an hour ago.

I wished I have one of that. Whenever I had quarrels, I would flash myself with that. Seconds later, things would be forgotten. And all that was left are beautiful and nice.

But of course, that was just a wish. A foolish one I guess.

SBS impotent uncle.

2005-07-12T17:38:00.000+08:00

I think nobody wants to work for the SBS nowadays, hence the company have no choice but to hire people who had veins and capillaries all tangled up and thus, affecting the network of the brain.

In simple term, it means DUMB.

wa lau. That stupid driver confiscated my card without a reason. I couldnt made out what he was mumbling, but I think he probably mean that I didnt pay my bus fare. But like HELLO? I was using bus concession for godness sake, WHY IN THE HELL WOULD I CHEAT ON THE FARE?

For fun, laughter, peace and joy? damn u, I am no saint.

I tried explaining to him, but no, he saes I have to go all the way to ang mo kio if I want back my card.

and that triggers it, I screamed at him like some stupid ah lian trying to get away with the bus fare, while he was driving, with 20 over students from my school watching us and some other holy high students as well.

Seriously, if he wasnt driving, I would have snatch my ez-link card back without hesitation. Following that, I will give him a good kick in the balls. While he was howling in pain, I would find myself a good spot to sit, then I will kindly educate him on the different sound produced by the ez-link scanner for various reason.

Perhaps, I should blast some techno at his ears so that every sound the scanner produced will go like lighting and thunder to him.

ruan dong came forward after a great deal of cursing and swearing between that driver and me. I thought he came over to pull me away. But no, he came over and scold that bus driver together with me, demanding to know his number so we can lodge a complain or sth. pretty shocking HUH?

You guys should have really see him, he looked as if his card was confiscated instead of mine. And all I did was to pull his shirt and say forget it. Because I suddenly realised that everyone is looking at us, as if we had just robbed the bank or sth.

Oh well, the bus driver did return my card in the end. He said he was giving me a chance. A CHANCE? LIKE WHAT HIDEOUS CRIME HAVE I COMMIT? I daresay he realised his mistake and wanted to save his own skin.

Horrible, terrible, incorrigible, despiable , moronic cretins!

The next time I see some SBS advertisment promoting their bus drivers and saying that they are friendly and nice, I swear that I will kick and tear that poster apart.

I could actually make pretty big fuss out of this, u know, getting him sacked and all. But den, on second thoughts, maybe I shouldnt be too cruel.

Perhaps due to his mulnutrition, or impotent, his wife hadnt even produced a egg at the pathetic age of 60. Therefore, she might have left him hours ago and fled with another man who's dick is much more bigger den his. Hence, the grief and temper is understood.

I therefore shall be magnanious and let the matter rest.

So the next time when pple or poster attempts to convince u that SBS bus drivers are friendly and nice, please kindly ask them to drive their fucking bus and shut up. We have got no business in their character. Why should we be when they are morons anyway?

I was actually pretty happy with my day because mich finally came to school and my mum finally quits putting strange and disgusting liquids into my orange juices and claims that its good for my health.

This infernal have to come along and pricks me a little.

I would murdered him if murdering isnt a crime.

Only Once

2005-07-10T16:06:00.000+08:00

I cant believe this.

WE ONLY MET ONCE. and I think I literally broke his heart. Like since when am I that charming.

At this pacticular moment, I wish I am some slut who loves going around breaking hearts. If I am made this way, I wouldnt have to bother about anything. I wouldnt have to feel guilty.

I would be able to watch Madagascar for the third time and still be laughing at those silly penguins when they tried to hypnotize the zebra. oh whateva.

I believed cherlle was pretty cross with me these few days. I know its absurb to wish that she would understand me, because in the first place I never told her how I felt. Oh well, u guys know me, I was never good at the expressing part.

You know what? I just wish for a peaceful life for now, so that I can do my best for Os. The rest can really wait.

Ya, I know sounded so I-want-to-settle-down-and-be-a-nerd. Laugh at me all u want. Dun let me caught u hugging ur plant and cry when results are out. I will make sure that ur plant can neva photosynthesis again. Following that, I shall sit in front of u and laugh till my stomach hurts so much that I have to be hospitalized.

*sticks out tounge. BLEAH.

Toilet

2005-07-07T15:10:00.000+08:00

Miss Lim didnt turn up for biology today. So cherlle and I thought of this while running away from that dull lesson.

wa lau. i havent ready leh.

i decide to take my revenge by barging into her cubicle. but duno why is she still smiling so happily.

cherlle's turn to get back at me. I swear i will neva do this again. Not even if someone offered a million bucks.

this time, we got it all ready. Sistas 184.

i think we both damn bo liao. LOL.

So the next time when u feel like skipping lessons, do consider our idea.

The Father next door Left.

2005-07-06T17:32:00.000+08:00

he passed away.

*sigh

I have been very busy with my life. so busy with guys, studies, michelle and all. I never realise this until i saw the wake on my way home.

I always hear of pple passing away. You know, my friend friend, if not, my long distance relative.

But never someone so near. Neva.

I remembered how I gave his daughter extra piano lessons before her theory exam. I remembered how cheerful she was. I remembered how she came jumping happily to me when she got distinction for her theory. I remembered too, how her little brother use to shout 'JIEJIE', really loud whenever he saw me.

but the departure of their father bought all these away.

I broke my own heart this morning when i saw that little boy, adorning his crest-fallen face with his little soulful eyes, just like a little kid who was lost in the mall. He still greets me, but it was never the same again.

He look as if someone came in the middle of the nite, stole away his happiness, cheerfulness, liveliness and blissfulness. He was left with nothing but sadness, agony and his hollow body.

His sister was no better than him. I never see the smile on her ever since that day. But i can sense that she is strong. She called the ambulance herself, and went into the ambulance herself, telling her father everything was alrite. and she was only 13. If that happen to me when i was 13, i swear i can do nth more den crying.

Even though i never talked to their father, i feel like crying so much. But they are lucky though, their father left them a million dollar insurance, so they have nothing to worry abt their future life.

But still, if they were given a choice, I bet with u my head, that they would gladly trade a million dollars for their father back.

Death really made me realised that humans, are just so fragile.

My heart felt condolence goes out to them.

May God bless them.

Not Happy II

2005-07-05T18:46:00.000+08:00

i am not happy. SO NOT happy.

michelle saes she wants to quit school. obviously, i am not happy.

but den, whats the point?

i dun deny the fact that i am disappointed. i dun wish to list out the consequnses of quitting sch again and again.

ever since the day i know that she has the intention of quitting school, i tried my best to motivate her, bring her back to school, did all sorts of stupid things.. i did all i could but still, to no avail.

fine, i was selfish, i do not know how to face the unknown bravely on this route to growing up, like an interpid explorer, without sistas, thus i tried my very best to nag at her, sometimes even scold her, or maybe hurt her, just to get her back.

gradually, these nagging, made her feel so irritated. she begins to loathe me. our relationship turns sour without warning. i turned into an old nagging women myself too.

therefore michelle, i decide not to nag at u again. i promise not to kp u with all the studies-are-important kinda things.

scold me by all means. curse me. tell me that i am selfish, terrible and horrible. i gave up on my own sista.

but whats wrong with not wanting her to hate me? whats wrong with wanting ur sista to be happy? WHAT IS SO FUCKING WRONG?

i no longer feel guilty anymore whenever i saw the empty space meant for her in the classroom. not all are meant for studying anyway.

but the last thing i ask from u michelle, made up with edward. u guys are the most perfect couple i have ever seen. dun let me lose the last faith i had in love.

thanks.

****

to those idoits who always have to habit of asking me why nq is not with me on my way home. Please learn to excerise ur fucking brains. stop pretending that u are concern for her, when ur real motive is to haolian that u got pple accompany u home, i dun have.

I promise to slap the next person who ask me this.

For those who is really concern abt her, i am sorry but i've to do this, which idoit can still be happily smiling after being asked the same question for at least the hundredth time?

dun like me dun come over lar, still pretend pretend.

!@#$%^&. *grumbles* *grumbles*

Carnival Guy

2005-07-04T11:56:00.000+08:00

what happened at the carnival?

oh well, i met him.

he is special in some way.

he is damn bloody shy. i mean, if he is shy by nature, den nvm. can understand.

BUT HE IS NOT. because i was there, thats why he was shy.

why??

i too ugly den shock him huh?! or isnt he think i am the chio-est girl he have ever seen so too shy?!

*rolls eye*

but i can feel that he is a nice guy lar. i mean, he bought me flowers and all.

cherlle said he liked me. DEN WHY DUN TALK TO ME?

when he was sending me home in the cab, he was quiet throughout the whole trip. i even caught the uncle stealing glance at us and laughing.

he must be thinking, wa lau, what is this guy doing? want to xian charbo like that de meh??

asking him to talk to me is just like asking Cyndi Wang not to act cute - its just so impossible.

*sigh.

but overall he is nice lar. one thing good abt him is that i cant sense the despo-ness i feel in every guy when they send me home. and that score him a hell lot of brownie points.

LOL.

but u see, i am basically a very sian-ed person. as in, a not very happening person. i duno how to make things happen. hence, i nid someone who is nosier and funnier to like brighten up my life.

so if lets sae if i ever hook up with him, during our every date, i comfirm all the words we speak to each other will be less than all my fingers and toes plus together.

a very interesting boyfriend hor?

wait a minute, i heard someone ask me how he looks like.

ehh. he is not exactly hot. but i am not really that chio either. but if u are really that kpo, scroll down and talk a look.

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disclaimer: this pic is not taken by me. cherlle steal my camera and took. very naughty hor? *shakes head*

Decided to go

2005-07-03T12:36:00.000+08:00

hey, u know what?

i decide to go to that carnival.

oh well. maybe, i will find someone there.

maybe.

Love - What a terrible word.

2005-07-02T12:53:00.000+08:00

What is wrong with me??

How can pple grow up and not crave for love? (as in BGR)

Oh well, i can.

I always thought I stayed single because I dun trust love or maybe my destined guy is not here yet. You know, all that stuff.

Wrong.

Cherlle and xiao boy asked me to his carnival. They wanted to introduce me to his brother and maybe we can be friends and take off from there. I told them i couldnt make it because I have got tuition.

Fine, I lied. I can cancel that tuition.

Why? You might ask.

i just realised, I am afriad of commiments. Whats so good about going into a relationship?

Love, what a terrible word - it sounds so impressive and definitive, as if it were a terminal illness, a cancer of heart, metastasis of the feelings.

From day one, the both of us have been waiting for each other to raise the subject of breaking up. Why start sth when we know its definately going to end? and the other party might end up hating u because u wanted a break up.

I dun wan to be hated. Neither do i wan to hate anyone. Hatred is a burden.

Why do couples break?

Because in everyone's heart, they potray their perfect partner. Whats perfect anyway? No one seen perfections before. Hence, even if God's most perfect creation happen to be by ur side, u will still let him slip away.

Today, I feel that he is somehow similiar to that perfect guy in my heart, so we are together. Tml, I see his flaws. My world crumbled. I broke with him. He hates me. I am sad. Things becomes grotesques.

Whats the point?

Of course, that dosent mean I am going into flings. I know i'll become nth more den a slut if that happens.

To me, if I liked him, a friendship is enff, maybe its silly. But whats life without being silly once of twice?

Nvm if he belongs to others. In no time, their relationship will be as evanescent as snowflakes. But the friendship between him and me last. I dun wan him to end up hating me. I dun wan to see his flaws, his imprefections. I wan to keep that perfect image of him in my heart forever.

isnt that beautiful?

i know this sounds like a perverese preconception, but what can u do to prove me wrong?

I know this is bo liao, too emotional to be guai lan today.

My apologies.

Not Happy I

2005-06-25T23:59:00.000+08:00

U know pple, I am not happy today.

Very not happy.

*sigh.

I watched Initial D. I hate movies without happy endings.

I dun feel like blogging.

I am going to sing to my plant.

I know its 12AM. I know my singing sux. SUE ME LAR.

Hate Mails III

2005-06-24T13:54:00.000+08:00

Please do hate me. I am such a fucking bitch.

*rolls eyes*

Sometimes, i really wonder if i have those words on my forehead. The last time i checked, i don't.

Frankly, if it was some other good hair day, with good weather, i wouldnt give a toss about it.

But no, its frigging hot today. Besides, i just quarreled with mummy. I cant blog abt how bad mummy is because it wouldnt be nice. So, i have to pretend that i am so damn pissed off by that fucking hate mail in order to vent my anger.

Nabei lar. i am not famous. Neither am i pretty or even intelligent. DEN WHY DO I GET HATE MAILS?

Why?? Why??

I'll tell u why. This was what happen.

One moron hates me and decide to made her friends follow.

wa lau. Lets hate Ms.Simple. whyy?? I saw her filrting with my guy lar! Nvm if he rejected me. He is still my guy. Nvm if they were just talking, i shall see it as filrting. She is such a bitch. She might be kind and nice beneath. But lets heck it, we hate her. Lets send her hate mail. SHE IS A FUCKING BITCH.

Den all her moronic friends starts sending me hate mails.

*sigh

YOU ALL VERY BAD LEH.

I was actually very happy this morning. Because i finally started to revise biology. Because peishan finally decides to forgive me and send me SS notes. Because i had a nice bbq with my class the night before. Because some guy wants my number. Because i finally found the songs i wan. Because i am watching Initial D tml. Because tml nite can go chiong with cherlle and her stead. (YAYY! i very long neva chiong le hor.) Because its cherlle's willy's birthday tml. I know it probabely none of my business, but still, i wan to be happy for him leh, cannot arh?

See, i've got thousand and one things to be happy abt. And just when i decide that i am the most fortunate creature on earth, I HAVE TO RECEIVE THOSE HATE MAILS.

What a fucker.

Good news, God has forgiven u.

Bad news, if i ever know ur identity, please quit school if u dun feel like dying.

~!@#$%^

I wish the u get bang by the car while crossing the road. I wish some dog would kindly bite ur testicles/tits off. I wish u get stab by lunatics while trying to filrt with UR guy. I wish the alien catches u on his spaceship while u are happily LC-ing with UR guy in the park. I wish u choked to death while eating. I wish u predecease me. I wish u a blot of lightning strikes u and made u look like afro.

I wish, oh how I wish.

Seriously, I am getting sick and tired. Its always the same old insults.

- That i am fat.

- That my skin is so not good.

- That i am a fucking bitch.

- That i am ugly.

- That i like to filrt.

Like how am i suppose to filrt when I AM FAT AND UGLY?!

I think its high time u should sack ur gardener. He is clearly not doing his job. If he is, den why are ur brains not growing?!

Addicted

2005-06-18T17:29:00.000+08:00

as i was removing my make ups, something hit me.

i am addicted to make ups. They invaded my body and contorlled me.

trespassing! police!

*sigh*

you see pple, i am relatively ugly without makeups. so i would never ever..

-step into town
-meet guys
-go to work (if i have)

without makeups.

not even if u threatened to read my diary out. ( not this online one lar, i mean the one where i wrote my crushes and all. )

but i have to admit, make ups did gave me hell lot of confidence when i walked on the streets, when i meet new faces.

its like wearing a mask everyday. and this mask allows me to have things in my way, made pple welcome me with smiling faces instead of cold shoulders, having favours, attract attention.. gosh, the list can go on and on.

through makeups, i have also met more pple. they brought me to the uglier side of the world, allowing me to see more fualts. sometimes, i get influenced and become ugly too.

with this mask on, its really hard to tell if this chap here love me for the way i am, or because i had this mask.

so ladies, if make ups have yet to invade u, i suggest u neva touch them. i tried to quit. but then, its never easy.

i have seen my friends quit drugs, it was way easier.

okay fine, i am kdding. its equally difficult.